Unclaimed

From birth I wasn’t wanted. When I was 18, my biological father said “I never wanted kids. I only married your mom because she got knocked up. Now that you are an adult, I’d like to get to know you.” This proclamation did not come as some huge surprise. His actions spoke long before his words did. He was never a part of my life after my parents divorced. I think I was about 3 yrs old. The surprise was the fact that he felt the need to tell me. He sent the message home with a heartwarming story about the day he almost murdered me. He said “One day your mom was at work and I was at home with you. You were only a few weeks old. I was trying to play my guitar and you wouldn’t stop crying. I couldn’t take it anymore so I walked over to your crib and put my hand over your nose and mouth. You turned fucking blue and something about the way you looked at me made me stop. I almost killed you.”

Because my mom had my brother at 18 and me at 20 and was married to my father who was a struggling “musician” who drank away all the money she earned, we were poor. Life is not fun for an introverted poor kid. I was often dirty and wearing my brother’s hand me down clothes. Kids can be cruel and I was their number one target. I made myself as small and quiet as possible. My daily goal was not to be noticed. I was unsuccessful. As a child, I can’t remember having one friend. The only friend I had was my older brother...and I use the word “friend” lightly. We were joined by circumstance. We didn’t have anybody else.

I’ve always been the “weird” girl. I have never fit nicely into one box. I have never felt like I belonged anywhere. I was a fairly successful athlete in high school, but wore combat boots to track meets. I was one of 3 kids in school that wore all black and was into theater, art and music. My “alternative” friends didn’t understand my love of sports and my jock friends didn’t understand why I had to dress the way I did. I just have always done the things I liked to do, and my appearance reflected what I like to see in the mirror. There was no premeditation or desire to “shock”. I was just being me. I really didn’t put much thought into it.

Overall, if you could get past my appearance, I was a really good kid. I did what I was supposed to do. I got good grades and an athletic scholarship. My sophomore year in college, I realized why I was never that in to the boys I dated. It was because I was a lesbian. It just never really occurred to me that that was an option. I had heard that gay people existed in the world, but I had never met one. This revelation was not a happy one. I already felt like I had already been dealt some really difficult cards and no part of me wanted that one. Eventually I had to accept that I had no choice in the matter. When I told my mom on the phone, she said “You are no longer my daughter” and hung up on me. She could not “support my lifestyle” so my college tuition, rent and car was taken away from me. With one sentence, I lost my home, education and family. My stepfather who I adore took her side. I know he did not care and he loved me unconditionally, but they made a pact to always support each other. And they did. Six months later she started to talk to me again, but acceptance of me fully took a long time. And then it took me another 20 years to forgive her, but I did and do forgive her.

During this time, my brother that had been in and out of jail, rehab and several mental institutions got his girlfriend pregnant. So he decided to do the “right” thing and marry her. When my mom married my stepfather, her last name became Funk. My brother and I still had our biological father’s name Czechowski. My brother did not want his child to have that name so my stepfather adopted him and he became a Funk too. I was the only Czechowski left. My real dad didn’t want me, and now the rest of my family didn’t either. I was not adopted and I can’t remember ever feeling more alone than I did the day I found out.

I have never been a very good lesbian either. While there are certain characteristics about the way I walk and dress that make me “questionable”, it has never been my identity. I really think that it is the least interesting part about me. I love women, so what. It’s an afterthought. I don’t really have any gay friends and don’t go to “gay” functions, bars etc. I choose my friends because of who they are as human beings, not who they lay in bed next to at night. My only concern is that they are happy and healthy. What they do to achieve that means nothing to me. I love them unconditionally.

I’m just now realizing that I never really got over the whole “name” thing. Being the only person with my last name makes me feel unclaimed and unwanted. I was engaged to a girl with two children. They all had the same last name. The name of their father and her ex husband. In the moment, it was a really hard pill to swallow. I felt like it separated me from them and bonded all of them to him. It hurt. In retrospect, I completely understand her need to have the same last name as her children. Afterall, we both wanted the same things. To be bonded by a name. I certainly would never take his name, so one again, I was on my own.

About 10 years ago, I met Parul Patel. She walked up to me and said “I need you to train me!” We did not know each other before this moment. I was like “Ummmm...ok.” From that day on she became one of my best friends. She took my under her little mama bird wing and made me feel safe and loved. Our training sessions were more therapy than a workout. We cried probably as many times as we laughed. The connection was intense and immediate. She is an old soul with a beautiful empathetic heart that sees the best in everyone.

Her husband thought I was “scary”. He wasn’t a fan. So nobody was more surprised than me when she told me he wanted me to train him. I gotta say, I said yes, but I wasn’t exactly happy about it. The first session was awkward to say the least, but slowly his grumpy exterior and my resting bitch face faded away and we started to laugh. And I began to love him also for completely different reasons. Most days I don’t know if i want to kick him in the balls or hug him. Our relationship is about 75% sarcasm and 25% serious. His wife and I are the opposite 75% serious and 25% sarcasm. The yin and the yang.

After 10 yrs at the same job, I quit. I had no back up plan. One day, I just woke up, walked in and quit. I was done. And then reality set in and I was like “Oh shit, how am I going to pay my mortgage?” Probably should have thought about that a little sooner. Thankfully, the Patel’s came to my rescue. They offered me a job I did not deserve based on my character alone. I assure you, my 10 years as a tattoo artist, followed by 10 years as a trainer did not prepare me for the job I was about to undertake. Counting to 15 was the extent of my accounting experience. Shit was about to get real. My biggest fear was letting them down. I did not take the opportunity for granted and the pressure I put on myself to succeed was almost unbearable. Somehow I managed to squeak by and figure it out...I think...most of the time :)

One by one, I met more family members. Each one completely different from the other. Slowly I began to love them all and they became my family. They give me love, support and security. I would take a bullet for all of them. They are Indian and I’m the whitest pastiest chick on the planet. I glow in the dark...when you can actually see my skin. But they have accepted me just as I am, unconditionally. The surface means nothing and the inside means everything. Sometimes you are born into a family, and sometimes complete strangers become your family. You treat people how to treat you. 

My stepfather is hands down the best human being I know. We are not related by blood or name, but he is the only person I consider true family. If there is a God, he was the one gift he gave me. The one thing that made my life easier. I can't even begin to imagine where I would be right now if he didn't walk through our door.

I was listening to a podcast today which brought me to this revelation. There has always been a void deep down in my soul. I have felt unclaimed and alone for most of my life. I have made huge mistakes for sure. Most of those because I followed my heart instead of my head. Regrets, maybe a few, but to me, there is nothing more important than love. I would give everything up and risk it all for true love. I will fight for it. All I have ever wanted was to be claimed by somebody and loved by someone...just as I am. Thank you Patel family for giving me that. Thank you for filling a big part of the hole inside of me. Maybe one day, I will share a name with somebody and my soul will finally have complete peace.