I wanna live, but not toooo long.

What do you do when you feel like you are entering into a midlife crisis, but have no interest in an affair or a new shiny sports car? How do you know if you have reached midlife? I’m on the edge of 48, but could die tomorrow. Based on my healthy lifestyle, I think I could live well into my 80’s, but diseases and car accidents also exist and I could be gone tomorrow.

I recently held my sweet kitten Luna as he took his last breath. Correction, I had my hand on him. As they prepared to give him his lethal injection, they asked me “Do you want to hold him?” I said “No!” and immediately jumped up and said “Yes!” As I put my hand on him for the last time, I began to hyperventilate and cry uncontrollably. The reality was, I had been crying since the moment I had received a call from an oncologist telling me he had Leukemia and Lymphoma and a big mass in his chest. With chemotherapy, he would live 2 weeks. Part of me selfishly wanted to do the chemo so I could have 2 more weeks with him, but I didn’t want him to suffer. He was only 9 months old. He came into my life about 2 weeks after I had put my last one down. He mended my broken heart and I loved him like no other animal. I was and still am, devastated.

I tell you about Luna because after much reflection, I realized it was feeding into the current crisis I have created in my head. The fear of living too long or not long enough. I don’t think I’m alone in this fear. Most rational people think about it when they get older and contemplate things like having children, buying a house or contributing to a retirement plan.

I have never had a biological clock. The desire to reproduce is never something I have felt. Recently I had the thought, “Oh shit, who will take care of me when I am no longer able?” I’ve been in an amazing relationship for years, so potentially, she could help me out since I’m a few years older. The only family I am close to is my dad. He is actually my stepfather, but he raised me. He is the only person I call “Dad.” He is truly a gift. Sometimes when bad things happen and I’m searching for a good thing to balance out my pain, I think about him. At Least I have him. But based on his steady diet of milkshakes, he probably won’t outlive me. I have a small circle of friends that I consider family, but they are all my age or older. So ya, my options are pretty limited. I have pretty much excepted that chances are good I will die alone in my house with 37 cats that will eventually eat me. The only traces of me will be found in their litter box. The circle of life is a beautiful thing. So ya, not sure what the answer is on that one.

On the other hand, I can’t wait to reach 65! I can’t get old and crusty soon enough! I do the math all the time in my head. Currently, I only have 17 yrs left of the grind if all goes well. Up until recently, my retirement plan was jail. Plenty of chicks, tattoos and all the time in the world to workout. What could possibly go wrong??? And what crime would I commit to get me there? Nothing that would hurt anybody, but be a good time? I dunno, don’t have the answer to that one either. Fortunately, my old lady convinced me to contribute to a retirement plan. So, I put my big girl panties on and started one. But again, I battle with the fear of being hit by a bus or contracting a disease that I won’t survive. I have always worked hard and had multiple jobs with the hope that one day I would get to relax. Hard work would pay off eventually, but it might not. And if I don’t make it to 65, who gets the house and money??? My cats will certainly piss it away on drugs and gambling. They can’t be trusted. It would be a real bummer to work my entire life and never get a chance to sit down. It would be like totaling your car with a full tank of gas. Tragic.

The crossroads are real. Getting old sucks, but I’m also really looking forward to it. My body has already started to fail and the struggle is real for the few brain cells I have left battling it out in my head. I have never been one to care about what people think. And when I say people, I mean the people who don’t know and love me. For my tiny circle, their opinion means everything. The rest of the world...meh. Irrelevant. But let's face it, the elderly get some free passes and I intend to use them all. I already have the resting bitch face mastered...it’s an art really. I will pretend I can’t hear when it benefits me...shit I do that now. But it’s frowned upon. I can be a complete smart ass and say anything I want and that shit will go viral because it’s a lot funnier coming from an 89yr old lady that truly does not give a fuck! If anybody happens to be around that can do things like pass me the remote or get me a snack, I will have them on speed dial, because surely my legs will no longer be of any use to me. The possibilities are endless really.

I was hoping this blog would lead me to some revelation. I got nothing. I guess I will just have to continue to grind and hope I live long enough to enjoy retirement, but not long enough to require assistance to wipe my ass.