It's not you, It's us: Part 2.5

Lighten your load.

She's human.

Hot-n-Ready Bitches!

Michael Kiwanuka - Home Again - I have listened to this song on repeat for 3 days.

The universe can be such a crazy place. My last blog happened because of a TED Talk that I bumped into, I didn't look for it, it just found me. And now 2 days later, it has happened again. I stopped by Facebook on my way to Netflix to respond to a message and BAM! another TED Talk appears. The name of the talk is “The Price of Shame” and the presenter is Monica Lewinsky. She talks about how she was patient 0 when it comes to internet scrutiny and public humiliation and she couldn’t have been more right. I remember judging her when the scandal happened. Now I look at her with such empathy for the mistake she made at 22. To know that she almost ended her own life because of the overwhelming cruelty, judgment and shame is heartbreaking. So before you cast your next public stone, look at your own life and remember the mistakes you have made and how you got there. I’m sure even Hillary has a few skeletons of her own. And before you start thinking, "You are a hypocrite Nikki, you just publicly humiliated 4 people!" Read it again.



Monica says the number one question she is getting at the moment is "Why now?" I too have gotten that one a lot in the past few days. Her answer is perfect. She said "Because it's time to re-write my narrative." She is not the whore the world made her out to be. She made the same mistake millions have made before her, unfortunately her mistake was made with the President of the United States and she got caught. At the end of the day, he is just a man and she is just a woman. They are still flawed human beings like the rest of us. When I wrote my last blog, my goal was not to publicly humiliate those people. My goal was to re-write my narrative. The only way to do that is by telling my side of the story. If I wanted to hurt those 4 people, I would not have taken the responsibility for my part. I would have just listed their dirty little secrets and include a few extra lies to add fuel to the fire. But I didn't. I empathized with all of them and made excuses for them as I told my story. I speculated on some things that may have gotten them in some bad situations that resulted in some bad choices. All 4 of those people publicly humiliated me without a second thought. Some of it was true, but a lot of it was lies. If those lies weren't told and the truths weren't taken out of context, I would have no narrative to re-write.

It's funny, in her TED Talk on shame, Brene Brown talks about how she woke up the next day after her vulnerability talk with the worst vulnerability hangover ever. She felt like total shit and just wanted to crawl under a rock and stay there. I completely understand how she felt now. The morning after I posted the first installment of my shame story, I woke up and felt like I had been hit by a bus. The way I have described it to my friends is I feel like I have been up for 3 days cramming for a college exam. I have taken the exam, went out binge drinking and haven't slept yet. And I can't sleep because I have to work and get shit done. I have slept... kinda. But it doesn't feel that way. The moment I hit "publish" on my blog, my phone lit up. I had texts, phone calls, Facebook messages and emails coming at me so fast, that I missed a few. They were from friends, family, acquaintances and much to my surprise, people I thought were my enemy because in one way or another, they were tied to one of the 4 people in that blog. The messages from those people affected me the most. My friends and family always tell me, “You don't have to justify yourself to anyone. The people that really know you know who you are and love you.” So when their support and kind words came in I was so thankful and it brought me to tears, but their opinion was bias before the blog existed. So to have people that were on the other side reach out and support and empathize with me was HUGE. Those people will always have a special place in my heart. Maybe we will even become friends one day. Because THOSE are the kind of friends I want. People that can acknowledge when they are wrong or if they weren't wrong, at least open minded enough to hear the other side and then reach out.

At this very moment I still feel like I’m a rock that got stuck in somebody's tire and they have a lot of errands to run. I know that I will fall out of their tire soon and feel amazing. Hopefully they will hit a pothole driving through the Krispy Kreme and drop me off there. And hopefully the damn light will be ON! It’s kinda like how you feel after you get a massage... sick. All those toxins that had been hiding deep in your muscles are suddenly released and have moved to the surface where you can feel them trying to escape. I guess I need to drink a bunch of water to flush out all this toxic baggage that has been camping out deep in my heart for waaaaaaaaay too long. Or maybe wine...wine might be good.



Here is a link to Monica's talk. You will see her and the situation differently...hopefully.


http://www.ted.com/talks/monica_lewinsky_the_price_of_shame


Brene Brown is the reason for this whole series of blogs. If I have not harassed you personally and demanded you watch them, well that is exactly what i'm doing to you now. I am not a "self help" seeker and not the type of person that goes to therapy. I'm sure a super-sized dose of that shit would do me a world of good. So if you are like me, then you will never watch these videos. I'm telling you, that decision is a mistake. Over 19 million people have watched the first one on vulnerability...so I'm sure they would back me up. I actually like the second one on shame even better. Take a chance, you and the people around you will be glad you did!

http://www.ted.com/talks/brene_brown_on_vulnerability


https://www.ted.com/talks/brene_brown_listening_to_shame

It’s not you, It’s us: Part 2

This is Part 2 of 5 blogs that are all connected. I wanted to separate them because they all deserve their own moment. When I write, my ADD kicks in and one thought leads to another and I have a tendency to drift away from my primary focus. Part 1 represents that fact clearly. I was all over the place. So if you are confused and not really sure where I was going with that, I understand. Essentially, this is a blog about 2 relationships I was involved in over about a 5 year span. I’m writing about them specifically because these are two women that for the first time in my life, I made myself completely vulnerable to. They knocked down my very high walls and I fell madly in love with them. I had found love before, and there were some truly amazing times with those women. But this was the first time that I loved someone more than they loved me and more than I loved myself. For me, the definition of being “in love” is putting someone else’s needs before your own happily and without resentment. Like if somebody had to die between the two of you, without hesitation you would volunteer to save the person you love. I think a lot of parents feel that way about their children. There is no question; they would happily take that bullet to protect their child. That is the kind of love I want to give to my partner, and that’s the kind of love I want to receive….still waiting for that to happen. No luck yet. At some point that is exactly the type of love I had for these women, but it was never returned. One of them kept pushing me away until I finally left and fell out of love. The other relationship ended while I was still madly in love, but had to throw in the towel because I knew it was never going to be returned. These two women are responsible for some of the best moments followed by some of the absolute worst soul crushing and devastating moments of my life. Oh and by the way, when I got into a relationship with them, they were both unhappily married.


So this blog is about my vulnerability with them and my shame because of them. This particular part is my letter to their husbands. Had I written this 2 years ago, I would have blamed everything on them. I would have revealed every dark and nasty secret their ex-wives had told me. I would have thrown them DIRECTLY under the bus and I would be the one driving it. That is exactly what they did to me, so eye for an eye right? Part 3 is to the two women I loved more than myself. Had I written this 3 months ago, I would have thrown them under the bus right next to their ex-husbands. Because trust me when I say this, there are 5 people involved in this situation and there is not one of us that shouldn’t share some of the blame. We all played a part and made some bad decisions. Part 4 is to all the women who loved me more than I loved them. They made themselves vulnerable to me, but I wasn’t capable of returning it. Part 5 is a letter to myself. One reason I will write to myself is to remember that vulnerability is not weakness, it’s courage. I will never find true love if I don’t allow myself to be vulnerable again. I decided not too long ago that I was just going to stay single forever and die alone with a house full of cats because it was safer. Mostly because I never wanted to feel pain like that again, but also because I had enormous amount of guilt and shame about what I had done and felt I was no longer worthy of love because of it.


I am also writing to remind myself to learn from my mistakes so I don’t repeat them. I know several of the people involved in this situation, confessed their sins in church. Well as I revealed in my “Closer to God” blog, that is not an option for me. I do feel STRONGLY, that you cannot fix your mistakes, if you do not acknowledge them. This blog is my church and my therapist. And I have been carrying this burden for far too long. I can stand back with clear eyes and accept my role in this big ass mess and stop blaming everybody else. We are ALL to blame. I feel an enormous amount of shame for my part in it. And I want to be clear that when I talk about it being “wrong” or making the statement “I was wrong”, I’m talking about who I am, was and want to be. I know many people involved in similar situations. Some are cheating on their spouse, some are the “other” man or woman and some are the ones being cheated on. I’m not pointing fingers or judging anybody else’s experience. As I will explain below, I know how I got there and how I justified it all to myself, so I can empathize with everybody.


For example, a few years back I had a client who was kinda a friend…well she was my friend when I was in the room and my enemy when I was not. You know the type. Anyways, our entire session for about a year consisted of her telling me what a “piece of shit” her husband was. I mean the things she would say were MIND BLOWING and just nasty. I felt really bad for the poor guy. One day she came in and said “I told my husband this morning that I am buying him training today because he was absolutely disgusting. I mean I walked in while he was showering and he made me want to puke!” And I remember thinking how awful it must be to be married to her. So I was like “Um….ok.” So her husband shows up and it’s clear he has no desire to be there. He looks kind of sad and defeated. There is no doubt in his mind that his wife has been talking trash about him to me and I know he thinks that I am on her side. What he doesn't know is I have seen her Jekyll and Hyde show many times before and I know who she is. She is a spoiled rotten drunk that has never worked a day in her life because daddy cuts her a check. She looks down on everybody around her for not being rich and she will treat you like her best friend to your face and then stab you directly in the back the moment you turn it. She is a sorry excuse for a human being…. So let’s just say, I was not on her side at all. I was simply tolerating her and trying to do my job. So I trained him a few times and tried to be as gentle with his broken soul as I could. One day she came in and said ”Well, that loser served me with divorce papers yesterday. I took them directly to my lawyer and signed them.” The divorce was final EXACTLY 30 days after the papers were presented. They had two kids together and she did not hesitate for a moment to try to fix anything. There was not a drop of sadness or remorse. I remember thinking, he ain't out of the woods yet…he is going to have to put up with her shit forever because of the kids. She could easily buy a team of lawyers with all her precious money and surely would not hesitate to get full custody and he would never see them again. Needless to say, after he served her with those paper’s, I never saw him again. And thankfully she crawled back into her hole and never stepped foot in my workplace again. This is probably because we didn't have any shooter girls on staff. My point is, I don’t know if he ever cheated on her, but if he did….I would understand. I could see how he would fear her and if somebody came along that was kind to him and treated him like a man instead of a dog, he might pursue it. Would it be the right way to handle it? I don’t know. We all respond differently when we are backed into a corner. I think most of us are trying to do the best we can at the time. I did what I thought was right at the time…I now know that for me, it was not right.



This is my shame story.





Dear ex husbands,
You hate me and I get that. I would hate me too. To be honest I hate myself for what I have done. This is not an excuse, but I want to tell you how I justified it at the time. First of all, both of your wives initiated it, both verbally and physically. One of them completely blindsided me. I really had no idea we were on a date when I showed up in my laundry day clothes and she showed up in a new outfit like she was going to the club. I thought we were just two people with a very new friendship grabbing a bite to eat. We told that story and laughed about how clueless I was with all of our friends many times. Hundreds of people could back that up. The other relationship grew out of a friendship. We both were struggling in our relationships and I think that we found the comfort in each other that we didn't have at home. 3 months after I left my relationship, she made it physical. The relationship ended the first time before you were divorced. So when she signed those papers, we had not been on speaking terms for quite some time and as far as I know, she was single. After your divorce was final, she again initiated a physical relationship and then it ended. And then once again, she initiated it for the 3rd time and then it was over forever. Every time it ended, I went away and never once asked her to come back, she did that on her own.


Another way that I justified to myself is because both of them told me that both of you were cheating or had cheated on them in the past. And believe me when I say this, they made some horrific accusations about what you had done. One of them told me that you admitted to these affairs and because you confessed them in church and she agreed to stay with you, that they didn't count anymore. You and your friends called me a "home wrecker", but from what I understand, the affair you had was with a married woman who had children, who is now divorced. I know this to be true because her ex husband and your ex wife had dinner and told each other everything they saw and found. The other husband admitted to some really bad things and justified them by saying, "that's just what men do." And you know, I think that there is a large percentage of people that agree. There are exceptions of course and I'm not saying all men are this way because I know a bunch of men that are not. But I think men are more capable of just having sex without any kind of emotional attachment to it. There are women that do this as well. But I think generally speaking, when a woman has an affair, it's almost worse because chances are there is some sort of emotional connection and it is not just sex. In my personal experience, this is especially true when these couples have children. I think the man in many cases takes on the role of the provider and the woman takes on the role of the mother and things get lost along the way. Maybe the woman is so busy with the kids, she doesn't have time to go to the gym as much or dresses differently and let's her appearance go a little.... And I understand that because in my opinion, being a stay at home mom is the toughest job on the planet! And maybe she resents the fact that you get to go off to work and in a way, get a break. And maybe you don't fully grasp how hard her job is and you belittle her. And when you get home, you expect her to give you the attention you once had before children and you don't get that because she is exhausted and you don't understand that because in your mind, she has been sitting on the couch all day watching tv and eating Doritos. Or maybe you got married REALLY young as both of you did. At that age, nobody knows who they are and who they want to be and be with. All you know is what you have been told by society and your parents at this point. So you do exactly what you think you are supposed to do. Maybe when you took your vows at the altar, you believed every word and were madly in love. But I can tell you, both of your ex wives had doubts as they said theirs. They both told me that. Now I'm not saying that having fears isn't a normal thing. I think most people hear that little voice. For some, it's nerves for others, it's a warning.


Both of them said you became more like a father and less of a husband. They said you would make them feel stupid and would be little them in front of your friends. Now as far as that stuff goes, I don't know what is true and what is not because they both told a lot of lies. They lied to you, their friends, family and me in the beginning of our relationship, during and after. So let's just say that I have my doubts and you may be nothing like the man they made you out to be. Or maybe you are a horrible person. I don't know you, so I have no idea what the truth is. All I know is what they told me. They are both very concerned with what everybody thinks around them, so that is a tough call. Only the four of you know the truth. But let's just say, they made you look like monsters. They did the same thing to me. I was not perfect and I made mistakes which I will discuss in my letter to them. One thing I never did, was lie to them.


What I'm saying is they told me you were lying, cheating bastards that treated them like shit, so when they initiated the physical relationship, I jumped on board. I fell madly in love with them. My heart was YELLING “I love you!” so loudly, that I couldn't hear my head telling me to “STOP!” Again, all of this does not make what I did right, because it doesn't. I was completely wrong. I should have said no.


And FYI, There have been quite a few married women that have either hit on me, or crossed the line. Some made no excuses and some “blamed it on the alcohol.” In every case, it ruined our friendship and we are no longer on speaking terms. So I do have the ability to say no and have done so. I kept wondering to myself, why does this keep happening to me? With the exception of a few small moments, the only people that approached me in the past 10 years are married women. But then I realized, for the most part, those have been the only kind of people around me during that time period. I never once had a relationship with a married woman during the 10 years I was a tattoo artist…I dated people that were in the tattoo world. Before that I dated people I was in school or the Army with. I guess that’s why a lot of men have affairs with their secretary’s or co-workers. It’s impossible to not build relationships with people that you often see more than your spouse. The bottom line is, I’m an introvert. I work, go to the grocery store and go home. I don’t possess the self esteem to pursue anybody. Never have, never will. Anybody I have ever dated has been forced to make the first move. I know you and the people in your world think I’m a predator that seeks out married women and destroys lives, but I assure you, that is not the case. But I completely understand why you would feel that way.


I will also say this. There were 4 people out of 5 that cheated. I was the only one that did not. Both of you had affairs before your ex-wives even knew my name. There were really bad problems in your relationship long before I came into it. It's very easy to make the girl or guy that is on the side the scape goat and I get that. You can all point the finger at me and say everything was great until "Nikki the predator home-wrecker" came on the scene. But we all know, that is just not true. If you were all blissfully happy it would have never happened.And if they had not pursued me, it would have eventually been somebody else. It would have only been a matter of time. Or maybe you eventually would have emotions for one of your affairs and left her. We will never know now. It's a shame though, because I did you all a disservice by accepting their offer and falling in love. Now it will just be too easy to blame me for what happened instead of recognizing the root of the problem that drove them to me in the first place. Every time I make a mistake or go through something painful, I try to find the lesson in it. I can look back and remember times when I pointed the finger at somebody else when I should have been aiming it directly at myself. That is exactly what I did to you. And now even though it may seem as though I'm still justifying myself and blaming all of you, I'm not. I'm explaining how I justified to myself at that time. I honestly believed I was doing all of you all a favor. NOBODY was happy…nobody.


When my friends or clients are discussing the problems in their marriage, I always ask them the same question..."Why do you stay?" And there is only one answer that I am looking for when they ramble off the list. I hear, I took a vow, I made a commitment, for the kids, I don't want to lose my house, I don't want to be alone, I don't want to work and I'd rather go to lunch with my friends every day. One day I was sitting with a table full of people and a woman walked up and boasted proudly "I'm just in it for the paycheck!" And let's not forget about your so called friends that are couples that are telling you both to stay together so you can still tailgate with them next football season. You should DEFINITELY hold on to those people!


The words I'm always waiting to hear are "I love him so much. I stay because I'm madly in love with him." Had your ex wives ever said that, I would have been out of there! I'm not capable of sharing. And I would always wonder when they told me they loved me, if they loved you more. It's kind of crazy because I have only heard someone say “Because I love him” one time and and it happened 2 days ago. My immediate response was "Well then you guys need to figure it out and make it work."


People get married for all sorts of reasons. Some people marry for love, some marry for money, power and status. Then there is that 1% that are lucky enough to have both. We all have our priorities. I'm not saying one way is better than another. I will say that when and if I marry, it will be for love. Yes, all those superficial things would be nice, but that's not what will make me happy. I don't want to wake up in a big house that isn't filled with love, respect and loyalty. I would live in a dumpster with the person I love and be blissfully happy. Again I'm not saying that my way is the right and only way, it's just my way.

Ultimately, I don't know who is to blame for the problems in your marriages. My guess is everybody and nobody. I think different people bring out different behaviors in people. So who they were with me may be completely different than who they were with you. I know one of you has remarried and had a child with her. My guess is that your second marriage is very different than your first one. Maybe it's because you learned from your mistakes or maybe it's because she inspired you to love her differently and better. I truly hope that that is the case for you. Maybe, you first marriage didn’t work because, it just wasn’t meant to be. You were or became too different.


I know this for sure. I am not a bad person. I truly believe that I'm a good person that made some really bad decisions. And maybe that is the case for you and maybe that's the case for your ex wives. Yes, I repeated my mistakes and found myself in the same position several times. And yes, it took me getting my ass handed to me several times to learn from my mistakes. But I promise you and more importantly, myself that I will never EVER be in that position again. Mostly, because it's just wrong, and that is not the person I want to be. But also, I’m Painfully aware that if they weren't strong enough to leave you before I came into the picture, then they certainly weren't strong enough to be in their first lesbian relationship with me. Because I assure you dealing with the consequences of what that means is not for the weak of heart. Not to mention they lied and cheated on you. I was really was cocky to think that they wouldn't do that to me. The fact that one of them went on to be in another long term relationship with another woman may have been part of the problem with your relationship in the first place.


Contrary to what some believe, being homosexual is not a choice. Nobody would choose to make their life incredibly more difficult than it had to be if they could truly be happy with the opposite sex. As far as the other girl goes, I can say with 99.5% certainty that she will never be in another relationship with a woman regardless of her true feelings and sexual preference. I will save the reason for another blog. Let's just say, I think when she is sitting in a chair on a porch somewhere at 80 years old reflecting on her life, I think she will wish she made different choices. Again that is just an outsider’s opinion. I couldn't have been more wrong assessing her character when I got into a relationship with her in the first place, so chances are, I'm totally wrong now. As I told her, THAT is between her and the God she claims to love.

So I will wrap this up with this.... I'm truly sorry and ashamed for my part in all of this. Karma jumped up and beat the shit out of me for it. The price for some of the best moments of my life was incredibly high. I never loved anybody the way I loved them. I made myself completely vulnerable and therefore was completely destroyed when that love and vulnerability wasn't returned. I got what I deserved.


I have been wanting to write this for a very long time. I needed to do this because I needed closure so I could move forward in my life instead of looking back. I am not trying to stir up shit. I'm actually trying to put it away for good. I’m so glad I waited to get to the point I am now in my head and in my heart. A place where I can own my part of it and wish you nothing but happiness and really mean it. I don’t expect that feeling to be returned…and that is ok.

Ice cream sandwich diet: I was ahead of my time.

Diet of Champions.

Champion: Krissy Mae Cagney

A friend commented on one of my posts with this article about a Twinkie diet and I found this fascinating. It goes back to the debate of what's more important, the quality of the food you eat or the amount of food you eat. I have tried every style of eating known to man and have landed on the Flexible Diet band wagon also known as IIFYM (if it fits your macros) which is essentially Weight Watchers. In a nutshell Flexible dieting is about your body only knowing 3 things when it comes metabolizing your food. Fat, carbs and protein. It does not know the difference between a carb from an apple or a carb from a poptart. A carb is a carb. So there is a calculator that based on your age, gender, weight and activity level that breaks down how many calories you should be eating and then it breaks down into specific grams of fat, carbs and protein. Is flexible dieting the healthiest option? It's full of processed food and sugar. I don't know that answer. I'm talking about weight loss, not overall health. And if we are being honest, yes my health is very important, but as a woman, I care about my appearance more for better or for worse. I'm not saying that that's right, it's just the truth. I think that is true for 90% of my clients and people in the gym. Just ask all the women that get the bulk of their calories from wine and never eat a thing. Can't tell you how many times I have been in a restaurant and looked over at a table full of beautiful skinny women that order food and don't eat it, but are downing cases of wine. I really could care less about wine. It's all about the numbers for me, not because I'm healthier, I just rather use those calories for cake because that's my drug of choice. So I'm no better, just different. Also, the only people that come to me as a trainer concerned about their health are people over 50 or people that have already had some bad diagnosis. Like a heart attack or their Dr. said if you keep doing what you are doing, you will end up a diabetic...and still most of them want to look better and therefore feel better. I posted an article in my training group about a study where they ranked diets from best to worse in terms of effectiveness. The extremely popular and trendy Paleo diet came in 2nd to last place. Weight watchers was #1. This wasn't a surprise to me. Paleo is very restrictive and cuts out entire food groups which most people can't maintain for a lifetime. I have seen first hand with my clients that Weight Watcher's is very doable and effective. I remember during my Whole 30 days judging it because of all the processed crap that was in their frozen meals at the grocery store. And I was like "you can eat unlimited fruit? That doesn't count towards your points? That is pure sugar!" After all my personal trial and error and watching my clients, I feel whole heartedly that I will not get off the Flexible Dieting/ IIFYM train. Yes, I have had faster results by eating less carbs, cutting out food groups and eating clean. Maybe having purely nutrient dense foods was better for my overall health. But you know what's not good for my health??? FAILURE. Every time I think I've gotten my shit together and am eating perfectly. I'm thinking YES this is the trainer I want to be. I'm FINALLY leading by example. Then I fall off the wagon and I'm ashamed. I have let my clients down that look to me for inspiration and answers and most importantly, I let myself down. Maybe I should get a new profession where I can practice what I preach. I'm supposed to be a role model and I'm not... I'm a fraud.

But then I remember that I'm a human being full of flaws like everybody else. I'm doing the best I can. And I have a great amount of empathy towards my clients because I'm am in the battle with them. I'm not superior, I'm an equal. I do have the knowledge and the tools to get them to their goals if they can stick to it. Like me, most of them win the battle for a month or two but not the war. So they win the battle and lose two, but they wake up the next day and try again. That's all I can ask of them and that's all I can ask of myself.

I have to give credit where it's do. One day I was training my client Suzanne and she said "Do you know who K Mae Kags is?" And I told her I didn't. So she said "It's this bad ass chick who is all tattooed and has a company called Doughnuts and Deadlifts." So I went home and Googled her. Than I bought her ebooks and then her online training. What peaked my interest was "bad ass tattooed chick and doughnuts.".... Two of my favorite things. What I found was very sensible approach to nutrition and fitness. I'm forever grateful to that client and Krissy Mae Cagney for showing me a way that one day I might actually stick to. And more importantly a way of eating that I can show my clients that while not produce the fastest results, may produce long term results and therefore happiness, pride and self esteem. Those things are so much more important than getting skinny the fastest way possible.

So the thing that brought me to this rant was an article a friend posted on my Facebook page on a nutrition professor that went on a diet of essentially eating nothing but Twinkies. He lost 27 lbs and surprisingly to him, didn't suffer any negative effects as far as his health goes. This blog was actually my comment back to her on Facebook :) I realized it might just be a little to long for a comment so I said SCREW IT! I'll make it into a blog. So there ya go.

I'll leave you with this. When I was a tattoo artist and trying to lose weight, my favorite food group was ice cream sandwiches. I got this box of 12 fat free ice cream sandwiches from Walmart and flipped it over and started reading the nutrition information. Immediately I started doing the math. All I looked at was the calories and fat because at that time in the diet world fat was the enemy, not carbs. And I was like "YES... I'm gonna go on a pure ice cream sandwich diet. I'll eat one box a day. There is 12 in a box so that is a total of 1200 calories and 0 fat! This is possibly the best idea I have ever had! 4 ice cream sandwiches 3 times a day. I AM A FUCKING GENIUS!" I never did it because I decided it wouldn't be healthy. But now I'm thinking...maybe I was just ahead of my time!


Here are 3 links to check out:


http://edition.cnn.com/2010/HEALTH/11/08/twinkie.diet.professor/index.html
-Twinkie diet


http://krissymaecagney.com


http://iifym.com/

It's not you, it’s us: Part 1

The only time I write is when I am moved to do so. And moved doesn't even scratch the surface of my true feelings in that moment. It becomes an obsession and the only thing I can think about until I get it out. At this very moment I'm writing this on my phone as I climb the stairs to nowhere at the gym before I go to a cycle class. I'm typing with my right thumb frantically hoping I can finish this before that class starts. Thinking if I don't, well maybe I'll skip it because this is more important. I have revealed a lot about myself, the good, bad and hilarious in my blog. I have paused before clicking "publish" many times thinking do I really want to put this out there for the world to see and judge. Then I think about all the conversations I have daily at the gym.

As a trainer, my job is sometimes more of a therapist, than someone who just makes people pick up heavy shit and then put it down over and over. It took me years to realize it and I'm sure that there are many clients who have no idea that as important as the workout is, the thing that keeps them coming back is having someone with an impartial ear to talk to. Like a hairstylist, I don't know their family and friends. With the exception of a few, our lives do not intersect outside of the gym. So it is a safe "dumping ground" for them. Also, I'm not in the business of talking shit and telling secrets that have been told to me in confidence. Don't get me wrong, I talk a lot of shit via sarcasm. It's like a sport for me. And when I can find someone that can go toe to toe with me... It's the best day ever. However, I do not get joy out of other people's pain. I know many people that do. I see them light up with excitement the way I do when I'm moved to write and I know the moment I turn to walk away, they will be sending out a mass text. The primary goal for them is to be the first one to dish out the dirt. Because for some reason gossiping and being "the first to tell" gives them a feeling of importance and superiority over the other people that were not the first to know. It's really sad and pathetic. And these people are the greatest root of so much pain and suffering…. wolves in sheep’s clothing. We have all said it "These people get off on it. The ones that talk the loudest usually have the most to hide. It is a way to distract themselves and others in the effort to hide their own misery and demons." And GOD FORBID someone does it to them. They will be the first to throw themselves up on the cross and play victim and of course and most importantly…POST IT ON FACEBOOK! And then they will be mad that people are meddling in their lives. “Isn’t it ironic? Don’t you think?”_ Alanis Morissette

All this to say, that as personal as this blog is going to be, there are a lot of people that have been on the giving and receiving end of this topic much like myself. The only difference is they just don't know it yet.

This whole thing got started because it was another wild and crazy Thursday night for me. I climbed into bed around 7:00 pm to get on Facebook and read some articles. In my usual form, I turned my tv on with the goal of finding some background noise to read to. If my articles are good enough, I won't hear a word that comes out of my TV. What happens 9 times out of 10 is that I never actually make it to my Netflix queue because I immediately get engulfed in some random article that pops up in my feed. On this day I saw “20 of the most popular TED Talks of All Time” and I was like “SOLD!” I'm a HUGE fan of TED Talks. The subjects are extremely diverse and cover every topic you can imagine. The ones that usually get to me are the topics that I have never once thought about, but I’m glad somebody else did. So I clicked on the first talk and went about my business....


###Hold Please###

Shifting gears…. so I just went to cycle. It was the easiest fastest class I have ever taken. Not because it was easy, but because I was so engrossed in thought that I felt no pain. Something I need to remember the next time I am in that predicament. It is quite possibly the BEST time to exercise. The only other times that have even gotten even close to it was when I'm angry or the time I was on Percocet for about 2 weeks because I had some dental issues. I could workout forever because in those moments, I feel no pain. I have finally found something that trumps both eating and exercise. Eating fuels my exercise obsession and exercise fuels my eating obsession. Those two things are infinitely intertwined. Writing stands alone in its dominance. So I put my head down and pedaled away and outlined this blog... 5-6 times thinking I really need to get these thoughts into my phone before I get side tracked and forget. Would the instructor, who is also one of my best friend’s be offended if I whipped it out and took notes. If she knew what I was doing, she wouldn't, but I had not warned her. And it would be rude as hell to her and the people in class. People have done that to me and it pissed me off, so I refrained.


Moving on....

So anyways the first 3 talks did not grab my attention. I don’t have a clue what they were about. Whatever I was reading did. And by the way, if you are my friend on Facebook, the chances of me ever seeing your page are slim to none. I'm not on Facebook to snoop into your personal life. I am there to learn, teach, or be entertained. If you are my close friend, I already know what is going on in your life and you know mine. If you are not a person that is close to me, then I leave your personal life to you and the people you are close to. Frankly, it's none of my business. Now if you post an article or a picture or my favorite thing ever... A CAT video, I will totally click on on that shit and make some smart ass comment. If it doesn't show up in my feed, chances are, I will never see it. Damn it... Keep getting sidetracked...soooooooo.....

So yes, the beginning talks didn't register. But then, I heard a woman's voice. Her name was Brene Brown and it was clear to me out of the gate that this woman was not just presenting a lecture on an assigned topic. She was a story teller. She like me, told stories that were filled with facts hammered home by personal experiences and failures. It just so happened that the topic was “The Power of Vulnerability.” She made herself extremely vulnerable to complete strangers in order to get her point across. Something she would immediately regret and damn near have a break down about. She discusses it in a later talk on called “Listening to Shame.” In a nutshell, she basically tells you to make sure you only share your shame with the people have earned the right to hear your story. Her mistakes, acknowledgement and telling of them is what makes her so inspirational to me. We all have things that we are ashamed of. Some of us admit our mistakes and others choose to attack people they call their "friends" to hide from themselves. In another talk, she discusses friendships and the 6 types you need to stay away from. She confirms the way I have always felt. It's not about the quantity, it's the quality. She says the only friends she needs in her life are "the move the body" type. The "ride or die bitches" I have discussed in prior blogs. The people that will help you dig the hole to hide the body of a person that hurt you and took them out I a fit of rage. The friends you can tell your secrets to that will not only support you, but they will take them to their grave. She says you are incredibly fortunate to find just one friend like this. If you are lucky enough to have 2 or 3 then you have essentially won the lottery. I could not agree more. She can say it better than I can…

“But here's the tricky part about sharing your story: You can't call just anyone. If you share your shame story with the wrong person, he or she can easily become one more piece of flying debris in your already dangerous shame storm. We want solid connection in a situation like this—something akin to a sturdy tree firmly planted in the ground. We definitely want to avoid the following:

1. The friend who hears the story and actually feels shame for you. She gasps and confirms how horrified you should be. Then there is awkward silence. Then you have to make her feel better.

2. The friend who responds with sympathy ("I feel so sorry for you") rather than empathy ("I get it, I feel with you, and I've been there"). If you want to see a shame cyclone turn deadly, throw one of these at it: "Oh, you poor thing." Or, the incredibly passive-aggressive Southern version of sympathy, "Bless your heart."

3. The friend who needs you to be the pillar of worthiness and authenticity. She can't help because she's too disappointed in your imperfections. You've let her down.

4. The friend who is so uncomfortable with vulnerability that she scolds you: "How did you let this happen? What were you thinking?" Or she looks for someone to blame: "Who was that guy? We'll kick his ass."

5. The friend who is all about making it better and, out of her own discomfort, refuses to acknowledge that you can actually be crazy and make terrible choices: "You're exaggerating. It wasn't that bad. You rock. You're perfect. Everyone loves you."

6. The friend who confuses connection with the opportunity to one-up you: "That's nothing. Listen to what happened to me one time!"

-Brene Brown



When I got on the stairs and started to write this blog, I knew exactly what I was going to write about…had a title and everything. As usual, it has morphed into something different. It’s a long curvy road that leads up and back to my original point. As I walked into my cycle class I said to the instructor…who is also one of my “ride or die” friends… “Shew girl…I almost missed your class. I was writing a blog on the stairs and the time just flew by.” She said “What is it about?” I said “Ummmm…I don’t know. I had a plan when I started it but now…it has evolved.” I told her I was going to send it to her to read before I published it. This is something I have never done before. I usually just write them and send it out to the world. I rarely proof read it. All of them are riddled with typos, bad grammar and most of all…run on sentences. I’m sure you have noticed. Mostly because those things don’t mean shit to me. I’m not trying to be the best speller. I’m trying to work through my own shit and tell my story with the hope that it might help somebody else. And once I get my feelings down and hit “publish” I have an instant feeling of relief like somebody has just taken a 100lb weight off my chest. I did not send this to her, because I have not yet told my “shame” story as I had intended….but I will…in part 2.

A few blogs back, I was pissed. I decided I was going to write a book. I talked about the fact that I felt like my side of the story was not out in the world. I’m an introvert and for the most part keep to myself, especially when there is a shit storm swirling around me because of a relationship or friendship gone bad. I do not run around telling anybody who will listen the intimate details of my life. My true friends however know every detail. Unfortunately, there are people that are no longer a part of my life that did that for me. It wasn’t the embarrassing truths that got to me. I am not perfect and I will acknowledge and confirm those mistakes. The thing that really hurt were the lies. Lie’s told by someone who at one time, claimed to love me in an effort to pull people to their side and hide their own sins. And for a long time, I did not respond out of some loyalty I still had for a person I once loved. It got to the point where the gossip and lies were so out of hand that I HAD to start defending myself. I remember telling this person. “If you are going to run around spreading lies about me, then I’m going to start telling the truth about you!” In another instance there was a point where I was so heartbroken and betrayed I said “I’m going to tell anybody who will listen every intimate detail of our relationship and who you are. Your precious image you are trying so hard to protect will be destroyed by the truth and people will see what a horrible soulless person you truly are!” Well those things were said in a fit of rage. I am writing a book, but I’m working hard at telling the truth and not letting my emotions get the best of me. I quickly realized that I was not able to write my story out of anger, malice or an attempt to justify my actions to people. This is something I’m VERY  proud of. In those moments all I wanted to do was to make them feel the pain I was feeling. I was so devastated that I had a weak moment and misjudged their character. I made them into the person I wanted them to be in my head and heart and not the person they actually were. I made justifications for their behavior because there is NO WAY I could have possibly been wrong when I let them in. Well I was. They showed me who they were over and over and I just didn't believe them. I do now. I’m no longer mad at these people. I see the whole situation with new eyes. I don't love these people anymore and I refuse to allow them to occupy one more precious moment. I don’t hate them either…but there certainly was a time when I did. I am a very laid back person…down right expressionless most days. The only people that can truly get to me and bring out any sort of rage are the people I have been vulnerable to. The people that blasted through my very high very thick walls and landed deep inside my heart. The people that I revealed my true self to. My exterior is hard to get through, but once you crack that shell, the inside is a very fragile yolk. The old saying “Don’t judge a book by its cover” has never been more true when it comes to me. When somebody I love betrays me, what follows sadness is hate and then indifference. I feel no emotion towards them at all. It is like one day the pain and sadness disappears and a peaceful calm appears. This is the place I want to be when I tell my shame story, not in a place where the mention of their name brings me to tears.

I have posted a bunch of links and videos from Brene Brown on my Facebook page. A couple of people have asked me “What is going on? Did something happen?” and the answer is no…nothing happened…nothing new anyway. I just accidentally came across some TED Talks that pulled me in and all these lights started going off in my head. I thought I had made some great discovery and wanted to share it because it really hit home with me. As I dug deeper, I realized that Brene Brown was no secret; I was just late to the party. She was everywhere and Oprah had done a Life Class with her which meant, I was probably the LAST person to the party.

So I encourage you to Google Brene Brown and listen to her talks on vulnerability and shame. They will change the way you see yourself and others. They were extremely healing and made me realize that I wasn’t alone and just totally crazy. I realized I had some very normal reactions to some crazy situations. Part 2 will be my shame story for better or for worse. This shit is already waaaaaaay too long. If you are still reading this, thanks for sticking with me as I figure out exactly why and how I will tell this story. Maybe that title will make sense after it’s told. Or maybe I will come up with a different one after I tell it. Anything could happen :)Until then….

Closer to God

I was sitting in a meeting the other day and we were told that one of my co-workers had put in his notice. My heart sunk and I was genuinely sad about it. I have worked with him for quite a few years as a personal trainer and we also were part of a management team. We have never been to each other's houses or speak outside of work. I read his posts on Facebook or Instagram and "like" them and he does the same. We don't stand around and socialize or gossip at the gym. We work or we work out and then go home. He is a family man who clearly adores his wife and children and a preacher. I'm a single tattooed lesbian who goes home to a house full of animals. On paper we make for a very odd pairing, and I doubt many people around the gym would guess that I have a genuine love and respect for him. He probably has no idea...well until now. I don't think I fully realized it until he hugged me today (right after I got off the treadmill extremely sweaty) and said some really nice things and I started to cry before I could get any real words out. I never use names in my blogs...but Travis...this one is for you.

I headed to the lockeroom quickly after "the hug" hoping nobody would see my tears. First of all, I'm not a hugger. I won't just hug any body that walks toward me with their arms open. I have been known to dive out an open window to avoid an unwanted hug. I'm a selective hugger and only touch the people I have genuine love and affection for. I don't just throw that shit around. But I welcomed his with open arms...twice.

I spent the rest of the afternoon analyzing the situation. Why was I so moved by the loss of a person who was nothing more than a coworker and peer. Like I said, we were friendly, but not friends that communicated outside of work. And because of that fact, I realized I would probably never see him again. We have had some brief conversations in the past about the fact that we are both introverts. But based on our lifestyle and appearance. The reactions we got from people were very different. He told me that people would say to his wife "You know, Travis is actually a really funny guy. I had no idea. He is always nice, but quiet." This is what I generally hear..."When I first saw you, I was scared of you. You looked mean, but you are actually really funny." We have the same issue, but the world perceives us quite differently...and I get it. So the fact that we are both introverts and the only place our lives ever intersect is at the gym, meant he could be moving to Europe and the chances of running into him again would be about the same.

I always respected him as a trainer, he knows his shit. But his true gift to the world lies in his soul. He is one of the few that actually practices what he preaches. He is pure and genuine in his words and actions. There are a lot of people that get dressed up, go to church and act the part out perfectly. They talk a big game, but they fall short on the follow through. They cut each other off to get out of the parking lot faster, and then go to lunch to sit down and judge others. Yes, I am generalizing here. And no, I don't mean EVERYBODY....I'm just talking about the ones that talk the talk, but don't walk the walk. I have several clients and friends who I truly love and cherish that are heavily involved in the church. They love me unconditionally as I love them...even though we may have some different views on the world....so ya, I'm not talking about you good one's. I'm talking about the hypocrites, that for a good part of my life, made me run as fast as I could away from the Church and it's follower's. Fortunately, people like Travis and some amazing friends have given me a new perspective and hope for a better future.

As a lesbian, I have heard I'm going to burn in Hell because loving another woman is a sin...an abomination more times than I can count. My mom divorced a man that was abusive and cheated on her and the church kicked her out when she needed them most. On the other side, a church provided me with one of the best memories of my early childhood. They picked our family to sponsor for Christmas. They gave me the most perfect Christmas a child could ever imagine after I cried myself to sleep the night before knowing Santa was not coming to our house. I am forever grateful for that memory. But let's just say that God's "followers" who are supposed to bring us to God, pushed me far far away.

I have been having the "God" conversation a lot lately. The bottom line is, I don't think people give God enough credit. If he can see all and hear all, then there are gonna be some folks that look real good on paper that will have a lot of explaining to do. He can hear our thoughts right?...bummer. Then he can also see what you do online or when you take those business trips. Trust me, I have made mistakes, BIG one's and I regret them ALL. 99% of mine were because I fell in love with the wrong person. And when it comes to love, my heart is in full control and my head and judgement don't have a chance in Hell of stopping it. That being said, I have learned from my sins/mistakes and served my time and I will never put myself in that position again. It was wrong and I was wrong no matter what the circumstances were that surrounded it....moving on.

Travis knows all my sins, but he has never judged me for them. He has always treated me with kindness and respect. If all "men of God" acted the way he does in the world, there would be no wars over religious differences. Homosexual teens wouldn't be committing suicide because their families disowned them and told them they would burn in Hell. So much sadness has come from people using the Bible in a way that I don't think God intended.

I don't know if there is a God. I wish with all my heart that I believed in him...that I could have that blind faith. I could say I do to play the part and fit in, but that would be a lie, and isn't that a sin? If there is a God, then I believe he created us all. We all have flaws and make mistakes. Nobody is perfect. (not even Travis) But I do believe that he has common sense and isn't fooled by the pretender's. I think he knows who is a good and genuine regardless of the God they choose to worship or not worship.

I had no idea that this blog would turn all religious on me. That was not my intention, that's just what happened. So I'd like to thank Travis for showing me unconditional love and moving in the world in a way that I think God intended...with Kindness. I will miss you.

Work Hard

My knuckles and my motto.

I took a boot camp class at the gym today that seriously kicked my ass. I don’t get many chances to take classes at my gym because I’m usually busy teaching my own or training clients. I am a personal trainer, group fitness instructor and manager at a gym. I have been there for 10 years and I have seen a lot of members and employees come and go…and then come back again. I spend a good part of my day listening to people bitch/gossip about instructors, trainers, music, somebody’s outfit, the quality of towels or somebody’s personal life…which seems to be the #1 topic. The list is exhausting and endless. I get an abundance of feedback about instructors that I’m happy to hear. I want to know when my instructors are doing a great job and when they are not. The member’s opinions about the quality of a class matter a great deal to me and I assure you, I’m taking notes.

As I crawled out of boot camp today completely wrecked, I wondered if the class was as hard for everybody else as it was for me. I know for some people it was brutal, for others it was easy and then there are the people in the middle. We all did the exact same workout, but the effort that each person put into it is what made the difference. You can blame and instructor for a bad class all you want, but at the end of the day, if you don’t get a good workout , the only person you have to blame is YOU!

YES, there are some instructors that are better than others, no doubt about it. But the reason they are better is subjective. There are instructors out there with an abundant knowledge of the human body and how it works and their programming of a class is down right scientific. But maybe their personality is flat and they don’t know how deliver the class in an inspiring way. And then there are the instructors that are the complete opposite. They clearly don’t know shit about programming and could care less about why you put certain exercises together. They just go on YouTube or Pinterest and cut and paste a bunch of random exercises together or make it up in the car on the way to the gym. These instructors survive and can be very popular because they have the charisma and the ability to inspire people to move. They flirt with every person in the room and make them feel special and because of this, can pack a room every time. The best instructors are the ones with the knowledge and the charisma. THEY are the holy grail of fitness!

Before I was a trainer, I was a tattoo artist. So when I joined the gym where I’m currently employed, I was a full on FREAK! I had pink dreadlocks, a bunch of metal in my face and was covered with tattoos. I have horrible social anxiety which makes me incredibly shy and when I’m not smiling, I look like I’m a complete bitch. So imagine my surprise when one of the managers offered me a job teaching a cycle class. I laugh about it all the time. They would get notes in the “suggestion” box that said. “We love her class and her music, but we can’t see or hear her.” And it was true…monotone mumbling was and is my first language. I always wore a hat and pulled down so low that the only thing was visible was my mouth. I never EVER looked up at the class and the floor was my best friend, so they couldn’t see my mouth either.

I have worked very hard to force myself out of my shell to become a better instructor and trainer and make people feel more comfortable around me. Don’t get me wrong, some days, I just don’t have it in me. It’s a lot of work for an introvert to be something that they are not. It would be like forcing a chatty extrovert to sit in a corner and tell them that they are not a loud to speak ever again. Good luck with that!

One thing I really love about my gym is the diversity of instructors and trainers. We all have something different to bring to the table. Each member is different, therefore they all need a little something different to motivate them. One size does not fit all and all goals are not the same.

At the end of the day, YOU need to be accountable for your overall experience. EVERY workout is what you make it. If you talk through an entire class, pick up light weights when you are capable of lifting more, do partial half assed reps instead of using a full range of motion with good form and don’t work hard, you will never reach your goals. If an instructor tells you that your entire workout consists of traveling 5 miles, and how you get there is up to you, then the difficulty of that task is solely on your shoulders. Will you walk, jog, run, crawl, lunge or carry the person next to you? It’s not about being the fastest or the strongest person in the room. It’s about working to the best of your potential and walking out with pride knowing you did you best regardless of your level.

Your new year’s resolution should have nothing to do with numbers on a scale. It should be about putting your best effort forward in everything you do. If you do THAT, those numbers on the scale will head in the right direction!

In Defense of the Endurance Athlete: You may be SUPER strong, but YOU are still an asshole.

True Dat.

Cross fit women at the top of their game. Most women that do Cross fit do NOT look like this, Training to reach THEIR goals.

Olympic marathon runners. Most women who run marathons do NOT look like this.

Training to reach THEIR goals.

Not training to reach HER goal.

I just went for a nice long run, and passed probably another 50 people running. They were minding their own business grinding out the long hard miles listening to their music and getting it in while most people are still sleeping off the hangover from yesterday’s football festivities. I get done with my run which ended up being about 12 miles. I’m feeling good about it because I haven’t run that far in a very long time. I also woke up feeling bad about myself because I got down on a big ass midnight snack last night. So I feel like I have already accomplished something today and now I need to keep that momentum going for the rest of the day. So I take a shower and I sit down at my computer with a cup of coffee to read some fitness and nutrition articles on Facebook. This FYI is what I do with most of my spare time when I’m not working, working out, or eating. I have liked every fitness website out there and this is my happy place…well most of the time.

And HERE is where I’m about to piss A LOT of people off. And you know what, NOT ONE SHIT will be given by me!

So I’m feeling good about life and I open up Facebook and surprise surprise my feed is full of selfie pictures and videos of people and their max lifts in their underwear followed by yet another narcissistic asshole…in their underwear…who has written another article bashing runners. I have read THOUSANDS of articles about how long steady state cardio is bad…you are consuming muscle for fuel, you are ruining your metabolism, you are scrawny, stupid, unattractive, you will never reach your goals, you are working harder not smarter and you are going to get injured…You should probably just shoot yourself in the face and get it over with!

Not one of these people writing these articles gave a shit if it offended me or the MILLIONS of endurance athletes out there. Ever since Cross fit has come on the scene, the bashing of endurance athletes has gotten even worse. Why do people doing steady state cardio offend you so much? Maybe, just MAYBE their goal isn’t to do 10 muscle ups or dead lift 500lbs. Maybe their goal is to be fast. And why do you care what other people are doing anyway? How does it affect you? That is just one more person you will be stronger than...YAY YOU! Guess what, I have read several books about running and cycling and they don’t want you to put on any weight, muscle or fat, if your goal is to get faster. Because that is just more weight you have to carry up a hill.

I have been a runner on and off my entire life. It has been a rollercoaster of ups and downs the whole time. I have had heartbreaking soul crushing injures. Some brought on by running and some brought on by living. Doing ANY sport over a lifetime will do that. Correct me if I’m wrong but, isn’t gymnastics a big part of the cross fit system? Um…no injuries or eating issues in that sport. And let’s talk about the POWER sport of football. No injuries there. Why aren’t there thousands of articles written about what complete idiots these people are? You know why? It’s because endurance athletes don’t care what you are doing. They are focusing on themselves, not your selfie. I can’t recall one article written by an endurance athlete bashing anybody...ever. Do you remember the one time somebody published an article saying that Cross fit is dangerous and causes injuries??? Those big strong tough guys got their boy panties in a wad and sued. BABIES! Imagine if a runner sued somebody every time a negative article was written about them.

I’m a personal trainer and I have been bullied by these assholes my entire career. I know what science says. I also know there is an article that contradicts every article out there. Remember when eating fat was bad? I know how to do things the right way. This is the first approach I take with all my clients. The route backed by the MAJORITY of science. Lift weights, do some cardio and eat a balanced diet…Everything in moderation. Well guess what? That works for about 1% of my clients and it sure as shit doesn’t work for me. Because we like, like most of America, like to eat. We all know that diet is the biggest piece of the puzzle when it comes to reaching their goals. If we could all eat well, then the scientific approach would work for everybody. But based on the obesity rate in the U.S., I’d say we are failing.

After I tore my calf muscle last year, I swore off running and all steady state cardio except indoor cycling. I’m a cycling instructor and it is what I love to do most when it comes to my fitness career, so I will never stop that shit unless there is a gun to my head. So, I started lifting weights 5-6 days per week. I followed a workout programmed by another trainer that focused heavily on Olympic lifts and many other Cross fit principles as well as several body building programs over this past year. And guess what? I got strong, injured and fat. I put on a ton of muscle, but I also put on fat because I continued to eat like I did when I was an endurance athlete. I tried to clean up my diet, but even when I did that, I still ate too much healthy food. And I was miserable counting calories and being obsessed with every macro I put in my mouth. I thought about food 24/7. I like most people would do well for a week or two and then fall off the wagon and binge.

I have so many amazing clients that are beautiful inside and out that are struggling to lose their final 2-10lbs to reach their goal weight. They do nothing but talk shit about themselves our entire session because they think they are fat. My response is almost always the same to these people. “You look amazing, you work really hard in the gym, you eat well most of the time...how much of your soul and happiness are you willing to sacrifice to lose that final 5 lbs? How much of your life are you going to waste obsessing over getting the perfect body? And guess what, as soon as you lose that weight, you will find another flaw to obsess about. It’s ok to have a glass of wine or a piece of cake. What’s the point of having the body of your dreams, if you are totally miserable to get it? And …….FYI, you are an asshole when you are hungry and nobody wants to be around that shit!”

I would like to preface my next statement with this is NOT what I tell my clients to do and I WOULD NEVER tell them to do this. What seems to work for me as far as MY goals go, is to do 1.5-2 hours of running, cycling, and other forms of cardio 5-6 days per week and lift moderate weight 3 times per week. I usually do most of my cardio training fueled by coffee and no food in the morning. I will eat a protein bar (200cal) and then lift later in the day. I don’t really eat all day until I get home somewhere between 1:00-3:00pm. AND THEN IT IS ON! I eat until I pass out around 8:00pm. I wake up at 3:30am and the process starts again. This was my regimen when I was the happiest with myself and my body. Yes I worked out long and hard, but I was fast, ate whatever I wanted and my clothes fit. I felt happy and healthy.

I have a client that is 75yrs old. We have done the same 3 workouts for 5 years with the exception of some mobility work. His goal is to carry his own groceries into his house, and that is how we train. I have had other clients whose goals are to get a faster time in their next race, so we train for that. I have clients that want to be stronger, so we train for that. The bulk of my clients train because they want to look good in their clothes and be healthy as they age...that is the bottom line. Most of them don’t give a shit about being a fast runner or squatting 500lbs. So I train them for that. IT IS NOT A ONE SIZE FITS ALL APPROACH! Every client needs something different. And I would never EVER push my training style on anybody else ever. More and more trainers out there seem to be training their clients the way they train themselves and I don’t think that is a good thing. Their goals are probably NOT your goals.

SO now I’ve gone and done it again…pissed some people off..again. But you wouldn’t even know my opinion on this if you hadn’t written so many highly OFFENSIVE articles abusing people for basically working really hard to accomplish THEIR goals. I’m giving them a voice and I make no apologies.

The bottom line is that I really don’t care what other people do when it comes to working out or how they live their lives. It has ZERO affect on how I live mine. We all have inner demons we are battling every day. I will continue to train myself based on what works best for me and I will continue to train my clients on what works best for each one of them. I will go back to ignoring all the selfies, boasts and bashing of endurance athletes on Facebook…but today was not that day.

I hoped you enjoyed watching the Tour de France this year…what a bunch of LOSERS! And don’t even get me started on the Olympic marathoner’s…I mean, get a life people.


ALSO…I got up at 6:00am, drank a cup of coffee, ran 12 miles, drank another cup of coffee and then spent and hour and a half writing this post. No food yet and it’s 12:00pm. There is somebody out there that is highly offended that I have consumed muscle for fuel. Well guess what, it’s my muscle and I’ll eat it if I want to!...now go write an article about it. OR you could stop being an ASSHOLE and keep your negativity to yourself…how bout that???