One thing in life is certain and that is nothing stays the same…not forever. Nobody is immune or safe. Change scares the HELL out of some people, while others are constantly seeking it out. Neither is completely wrong. As with everything in life, it’s about balance. Safe is safe…until it’s not. If you don’t make the decision to change on your own when something doesn't feel quite right, someone or something will bite you in the ass and make that change for you. Maybe you stay in a bad place because you think it is safe and familiar and the “what if’s” are much more terrifying than your current reality…so you decide to stay. I promise you, that you are not the only one that is feeling uneasy about the situation. Eventually, the universe will rise up and make that change for you.
Maybe you have always wanted to travel, but you never did because you felt you had to save every cent for what “might happen”. Then one day you get hit by a bus and die with a boatload of cash in the bank. You never had the chance to experience the happiness that money you worked so hard for, could bring you.
Don’t be forced into being reactive with your life, be proactive.
That being said, the grass is not always greener. There are people that have beauty and love all around them, and all they can see is what somebody else has. They spend their life comparing themselves to others instead of appreciating what is already within their grasp. There is something to be said for being content with your life. THAT is a beautiful place! I don’t think many of us have been there…we only dream of it. The constant quest for that “place” is the root of great sadness for many people. The desire to keep up with the “Joneses” will ruin the perfection that is right before you.
Most people put their best foot forward. Nobody is posting a photo of a fist hole in a wall after a fight with their spouse on Facebook. Instead what you see is the family photo next to the Christmas tree. Everybody is all happy and perfect…not a care in the world. I can count on one hand…2 fingers to be exact, the people that I have met in my 40 years that have actually lived that life. I’m 99% sure that for the most part, if you think real hard, you will come up with the same result.
So why are we making ourselves miserable in pursuit of what we have been told is perfection? It is good to work for things and strive for a better life, but strive for YOUR OWN best life. Not somebody else’s. One day you may achieve somebody else’s best life and find yourself miserable and then what?
There is a great deal of change happening all around me and to me. Some days, it is downright terrifying. But then there are other days when I imagine the great possibilities that can arise from all this change. There is no reward without risk. Many people immediately go to the worst case scenario during these times of change. You can’t live your life putting the cart before the horse wondering what if??? Living constantly in the state of fear and for some, panic, thinking about what MIGHT happen. Maybe think about what amazing things COULD happen instead. Don’t be such a fucking Debbie Downer all the time!
The best advice I would give anyone is to live your true life. Do what makes you happy because nothing amazing ever happened by playing it safe. Embrace change, don’t fear it. If you died tomorrow, would you look back on your life and think, I wouldn't change a thing? I don’t think anybody would. We have all made mistakes. A wise man told me once, it’s ok to make mistakes as long as you learn from them and don’t make them again. Well, I personally have made the same mistake more than once, but I promise you this, I will never make the same mistake again. I still don’t regret a thing. I learned some valuable life lessons through it all. The only thing I will regret are the chances I didn't take.
The second life changing call I made to my mom 20 years later.
Video is about 35 min but the lesson is worth every second.
I know I said I wasn't going to blog for a while but then I saw an article in my Facebook feed which brought me to the video above. I have not been able to think about anything else since. I'm only able to write when I am moved to do so. To say I was moved by that video would be an understatement. This is a blog about regret.
As I stated In my last blog, I have stayed away from certain subjects and have not named names in this blog out of fear. Fear of revealing myself and fear of revealing others. I was working on an outline of my book yesterday and I was completely consumed. I looked down at my computer and the memories and the stories just came flooding out. One memory led to another. The next time I looked up, it was 3 hours later. It felt like it had been 3 min. All I had been doing was making a list. One word per story and time just disappeared. And some of the words on that list were pretty horrific. Mistakes that I had made as well as some pretty unspeakable things that had happened to me. That outline only covered about 5 years of my life. The first five. I have recently had several discussions about how hard life has been for most people. I am not part of the minority this time. I'm part of the majority. I was talking to somebody a few weeks ago that said "I really can't complain. My childhood was really great. My parents are still together and happy and nothing really bad has ever happened to me." I realized in that moment that I had never met anybody that shared that experience. It was like finding the holy grail.
I have been really mad at my parents for about 20 years. My mom is really sick and I fear that she doesn't have many years left. I went home to her house for Christmas for the first time in maybe 6 years. In the weeks that led up to that visit, I struggled. I wanted to find a way to forgive her and my stepfather for turning their backs on me when I was honest with them and told them I was gay. This is something I had not been able to do in 20 years. How was I going to make in happen in 2 weeks?
I used to be extremely close to my parents. My entire life I lived to please them and make them proud. The thought of disappointing them was unbearable. From about 4th grade until i was about 19, that is exactly what I did. I was a star athlete and competitive runner from the age of 9 until about 16 when I started to accumulate a series of injuries that I still haven't fully recovered from.
Overall, I was a really good kid. I did everything I was supposed to do. I didn't drink or do drugs or party or have sex or anything that most teenagers dabble in growing up. That was my older brother's department.
My parents told me if I got good grades and an athletic scholarship, they would get me a car and pay for the rest of my college education. So, that is exactly what I did, injuries and all. I was no where near the runner I once was, but still managed to get a scholarship. The disappointment in my moms eyes that I was not at the top anymore, haunts me to this day.
So off to college I went. I had just finished Army basic training at Fort Jackson and I was about to start my freshman year at Flagler College. I knew beyond a shadow of a doubt that I had accomplished my goal. My parents were proud of me.
Fast forward to my sophomore year. I had fallen in love with my roommate who happened to be a girl. Nobody was more surprised than me. Nobody wanted it less than I did. But it was who I was.
My mom and I used to spend hours talking on the phone every week. On a regular basis, I would make the 7 hr drive to their house in the middle of the night just to surprise them. Even if I only was able to stay home for just one day... That was better than no day at all with them.
One day my mom and I were talking on the phone. We were having a conversation that led me to believe that she was opening the door for me to tell her I was gay. I had no intentions of having that discussion on that day. I certainly hadn't planned to tell her on the phone. Our discussion led me to think that she knew and it was ok. I couldn't have been more wrong.
She said "Are you dating anybody?" I said "Well actually mom, I am in love." She said "With who?" I said "Callie." She said "You are no longer my daughter" and hung up on me.
They took my car away and sold it. They cut off my college education and wouldn't sign my student load papers so I could continue to go to school. They essentially left me for dead. They said they couldn't support my lifestyle. In an instant, my life changed forever. I was practically homeless and lost my entire family. I never felt so alone, ashamed and betrayed. Everything I had worked so hard for was gone with one word... "Callie."
I sat there devastated that my family was gone and I didn't have more than $10.00 in my bank account. I made about $150 a month with the National Guard. That was my only income at that time.
My first girlfriend had just started working as a stripper to help pay for her college education. I was furious. I'd see a big wad of cash on the dresser and in a very accusing way said "What did you do for that?" I hated it. After that conversation with my mom, my girlfriend and I were talking about how I was going to pay my part of the rent next week. She said, "Why don't you come into the club and see what I do? I promise you will feel better about it." So I did. And she was right. It was just a bunch of girls dancing in bikinis for some road worn truckers. They also served food. After about 20 minutes, the manager came over and offered me a job waiting tables. I hesitated for a moment and said "yes". I was 19. I paid my rent the next day. By the next week I was dancing. By the next month, I paid my college tuition and was back in school.
I was a stripper for about 3 years. Am I proud of that fact, no. Am I ashamed, not so much. It was the first big decision of a young girl who was never given the option to think for herself. It was a desperate attempt at survival.
After transferring twice and changing my major 6-7 times and taking time off to tour with a band, I graduated. I started college in 1991. I graduated in 1998. I walked across that stage with my head held high... My rather large head with a nice conservative bright purple bob. My parents watched with pride. My mom said "Well you did it, you proved me wrong. You probably did it only to prove me wrong." I said "No, I did it to prove me right."
Years before my graduation day, I came home and there was a message on my answering machine from my mom. She said, "Somebody in the family died, thought you would want to know." She didn't say who, so I had to call her back. It turned out to be some distant relative I had never heard of.
We slowly started to talk again. The subject of me being gay came up a few times, but it always ended with a fight and with me leaving in tears. Eventually we stopped talking about it, but it was always the elephant in the room.
Years passed and I saw a change in my parents. They have said it many times over the years and I believe them. "We just want you to be happy. We don't care who you love." My parents aren't homophobic. My gay great uncle Tommy was one of their favorite people. They didn't hate me. They hated the loss of the dream. The dream that I would get married, have a few kids, and live happily ever after. They hated that my life would be harder. They hated how it would reflect on them to other people around them. They wondered if they did something wrong? Could they have done something better? They have never said these things to me but I can see it in their eyes.
I know that all they want now is my happiness. They want me to forgive them. I want nothing more than to do just that. I have been searching my soul to find a way to truly do it. When I was home for Christmas, they took me on what I call..."The death tour." They wanted to show me where they kept all the important things in the house so when they die, I would know where everything was. They gave me a key to the house so I wouldn't have to break the door down when they die.
As I made the 10 hour drive to their house, I thought about all the things I wanted to say. I wanted to make peace. I wanted to let my anger go so I could not just love them, but like them. We started to talk about it and it went bad immediately. So I said, "Never mind, let's not talk about it." My mom said "fine." A few minutes passed and she said "All I want is for you to be happy." I said "Thanks."
Things were better than they had been in a very long time when I left, but it still felt unresolved.
After watching the video above this morning, I cried. A lot. I have no plans of dying of an overdose. But my greatest fear is that my parents will die and I will never get the chance to say that I forgive them and mean it. I know that I would never have a greater regret in my life than that one.
This morning I realized that the people I hold the biggest grudges over, the people I can't seem to forgive, are the ones I loved the most. They are the ones that were supposed to love me unconditionally and keep me safe. They were the ones that were supposed to protect my heart, not break it.
In this moment my biggest regret comes from the hearts I have broken. There is no greater pain. And for that, I'm truly sorry.
I've got to go now and make another life changing phone call to my mom. All I'm going to say is "I love you and I forgive you." I will not live the rest of my life with the regret of not saying those words.
Women's libbers burning their bras in the 60's. Something I do daily when I get home from work.
Fear is one of those emotions that can both move us to do something we don't want to do or paralyze us from doing something we want to do. Fear keeps many of us from living our true life.
I would hate to see what the world would look like if there weren't people brave enough to die to make a change or stand up for their beliefs. Most of us just sit back and let others fight our battles and then gladly accept the benefits when they come. Often times, the same people who spoke out against these courageous people out of fear of "what the neighbors would think" are the same ones taking advantage of the rewards. If we all lived in fear of upsetting somebody, women wouldn't have the right to vote, get an education or have any rights at all. Slavery wouldn't have been abolished. Hitler's descendants might be running shit at the moment. There would be no labor unions. There would be no options as far as religion goes. Religious persecution for that matter, has been responsible for many wars and a huge amount of blood shed throughout history. Homosexuals are still fighting for the right to marry or be next to their partner in the hospital when they are on their death bed among other basic things heterosexuals take for granted.
I am a lesbian. Owning that side of myself has brought me the most joy and the most sadness in my life. When I came out of the closet, I lost several friends and family members. I don't march in parades or have any stickers on my car...mostly because I don't like stickers on my car and not really a big fan of a parades :) Fear doesn't keep me from doing these things because I assure you, I am a proud lesbian. It's because I want my sexuality to be the last thing people know about me, not the first and only thing. I don't want who I sleep with to define me and my life. I want it to be an after thought. I would rather people think of me first as a great friend, trainer and sarcastic bitch who enjoys cats, working out, cooking and eating...not necessarily in that order. Who I choose to love shouldn't determine what my friends and family think of me. Like it or not, it does. That is just the world we live in. But my desire to be happy and live my true life finally overcame my fear of rejection. A choice I gladly live with to this day. The quest for true love, something I could never have with a man will always be more important than acceptance from others... Always.
Many gay teenagers and adults have committed suicide because death seemed better than facing rejection from the very people who are supposed to love them unconditionally. So choose your words wisely with your children. Hopefully the next suicide won't be from the words that came from your lips. Because if you think it is a choice and could never happen to you or your family, you are wrong. The teenagers that kill themselves aren't the ones from the families who love them unconditionally, they are from the families who don't. I know somebody who talked shit about her own sister for being gay. She told her she didn't want her to bring her girlfriend around her children. That same person is now a flag waving lesbian. Life is funny like that...you never know what is around the next corner. Nobody chooses to be hated because of the one they love. They do their best to except that as part of their fate when they make the decision not to lie to themselves and others.
“The worst lies are the lies we tell ourselves. We live in denial of what we do, even what we think. We do this because we're afraid. We fear we will not find love, and when we find it we fear we'll lose it. We fear that if we do not have love we will be unhappy.”
- Richard Bach
As I have discussed in other blogs, people stay in bad relationships because they are afraid they can't do better or fear being alone. They stay in jobs they hate because they fear they won't make as much money or find anything better. I think what people fear most is not being liked. They continue to be involved in toxic friendships and circles out of the fear that someone might not like them or say something mean if they stand up for themselves or others. I will make a certain amount of sacrifices for the one I love and that's about it. If nobody loves me enough to do the same or won't allow me to live my true life, then they won't be in it.
I haven't blogged for a long time. Not because I have run out of things to say...no worries :)...but out of fear that I would hurt people's feelings by expressing the truth. When I sit back and really think about it, nobody has ever spared my feelings. If anything, it's quite the opposite. They have tried to hold me back to cover their own ass or because of their own selfish agendas. My personal life seems to be of great interest not so much to the people that actually know me, but to the people who don't which I really don't understand. Some of the gossip is true, but a lot of it is not. I'm a very private person...until I started writing this blog that is :) I have to say, if feels good have a voice and get the demons out. Still, I have been very careful in my subject matter and have held back identities and subjects that might be hard for some people to hear. Only the people close to me know the full truth about my life. I don't feel the need to tell acquaintances, coworkers or random people who happen to be walking by about everything that is going on in my life in an attempt to get them on TEAM NIKKI. I have paid a price for my silence. My side of the story is not out there, so people accept the other side as truth. The people in my inner circle say all the time..."they just don't know you." It's true. They don't. They only know the rumors. People gossiping about my personal life must really have a sad pathetic existence. Maybe they should get a hobby or a job or pay more attention to their children and family instead of investing precious time and energy talking about mine. Hell maybe they should write a blog! My friends always tell me that people only gossip to take the attention away from their own miserable lives. This I know to be true. Most of them are hypocrites. They have many skeletons in their closets. We all have made mistakes, they just haven't been caught... Yet.
I'd like to thank the gossip mongers, hypocrites and liars for giving me the incentive I needed to finally sit down and write my book. My entire life people have been telling me I need to write one. My fear of exposing myself and others and just plain old laziness have kept me from doing it. Well that fear is over... And I have to say I have never been more energized to do so. I'm thinking of calling it "The Other Side." But I think the title will reveal itself as I go along. I was wrestling with whether I should write a book that is my authentic truth or a book based on it.. Like 85% fact and 15% fiction to make it more interesting. I soon realized that the truth is interesting enough. No need to make shit up!
So sadly, this will be my last blog for a while. I will be focusing all my energy towards the book. I will post some passages from it here along the way. Feel free to give me feedback....there has been no lack of that :) Get ready to hear the other side of the story. Gossip mongers... START YOUR ENGINES!
Salma, me and Parul...which one of these things is not like the other?
Just cuz I think it's funny.
This too.
I've never had trouble stepping or thinking outside of the box...I excel at that shit! I do however have a huge problem getting outside of the box I have created for myself. This blog isn't about doing things differently from everybody else, it about doing things that are different for you.
Last week a client and friend invited me to celebrate Diwali which is a festival of lights in India that is similar to our New Year's celebration except there is no meat or booze. When she first invited me, my immediate reaction was HELL no! Not because it sounded like a bad time, but because that would be a huge leap out of the tiny box I live in.
My life consists of working, working out and eating and thinking about working out and eating. After that, I go home, hang out with my cats and go to bed and do it again the next day. Somehow I am always surrounded by some controversy or rumors...if they only knew what my life was really like...the gossip mongers would be soooo disappointed. I am completely happy with my life over all. Some people love to go out and drink and be social and fill every waking moment with stuff and that's great if that's what makes them happy. I prefer a more streamlined approach. I only want a couple things on my plate and I want to give them my full attention. I get overwhelmed very easily and my shyness and social anxiety keep me tucked very carefully inside my cozy little box. I have no doubt that I have missed out on some amazing opportunities and experiences.On the flip side, I have missed a few things that turned out not to be so great. So maybe I'm breaking even??? Probably not.
I asked my friend if I would be sitting with her or a table full of strangers. She assured me that she wouldn't leave my side, so I said I would go. As the day went on, I started to get nervous about it. After all, everything I knew about India, I learned from movies like Slum Dog Millionaire and let's face it...that movie didn't exactly paint a pretty picture. But I started to relax because I would trust her with my life. I knew she wouldn't set me up for failure.
So the day came and all the sudden it hit me...."What the Hell am I gonna wear?" I knew all the women would be in beautiful colorful Saris. I'm rarely in what people call "regular" clothes. Since my work and play are in the same place...the gym, all I have is workout clothes, so I had a major clothes crisis. That shit never happens to me. I normally go to my closet, grab the first thing I see and throw it on. Not this day. After reaching an almost complete mental breakdown, I slapped on some black and headed out the door.
I knew the event was sold out and she was already inside. As I walked up, I sent her a text asking her if I would need a ticket. She said I would be fine, just come in. So I walked in an immediately the guy (who was not Indian) at the door was like "Do you have a ticket?" Meanwhile there were people going around both sides of me without being stopped. Clearly I didn't look like everybody else and it was the one and only time I was made to feel uncomfortable and judged the entire night and it was from an employee at the event. He was looking at me and I knew he was thinking something like "There is a vampire trying to get in. If I remember correctly, you have to invite them in...I wonder if anybody has a wood stake or some garlic?" She came out and scoffed at him and said "Here's two tickets!"
So we went inside the auditorium to watch a show which consisted of performances of people from age 3-60. It was about two and a half hours long. Before each performance, they would tell a story that made us understand the cultural significance. I was really blown away. It's not that it was the best show I had ever seen, but because of the cultural aspect. I found it fascinating how they had managed to hang on to their heritage and roots and preserve their culture in America without it feeling like it wasn't inclusive of America. I came from a culture of TV trays with dinner on them in front of the television every night and then football on the weekends. Sure we had our holidays and what not, but it was nothing like this. And I'm not putting my own culture down, I love it...it's just different.
Once the show ended, we headed to the banquet room to eat. This was the moment I was excited about and most nervous about. I'm a huge fan of Indian food. The fact that the entire meal was vegetarian was really exciting. That never happens at big events. I normally just skip whatever meat is being served and load up on carbs. This would also be the time that I would be forced to be somewhat social and talk to strangers. I have to say that there wasn't one moment that I was made to feel uncomfortable. Everybody I met looked me in the eye with a warm genuine smile and shook my hand. Everybody was very concerned if I liked the food...well no worries...it was AMAZING! The whole experience was perfect in every way.
As I drove home, I thought about how my fear of the unknown could have kept me from having that experience. That would have been a tragedy. Then my mind went to New Year's resolutions. My resolution will be to step outside of my box and take a chance on the unknown. I'm fully aware that every step won't be amazing...but even if there is just one great step, it is worth the risk.
As most of you know, I'm a personal trainer. As I approach 40, I'm starting to think about what I'm going to do when my body will no longer allow me to workout for a living. There isn't a retirement plan at my gym, so I figure I got 3 options...
1. Meet a sugar mama
2. Walmart greeter
3. Prison
1.... Well, let's just say, I'm not gonna hold my breath.
2....I don't think I want to discuss my tattoos with every customer for the rest of my life and let's face it....nobody wants to see some old crusty tattooed lesbian with a bitchy resting face the moment they walk through the door....The Walmart experience is bad enough!
3....So prison it is!
Think about it. I can workout all day, maybe start tattooing again on the side so I can buy some Twinkies and toilet paper....and there are plenty of chicks! I mean they may only be "Gay for the stay" .... But that's cool.
And then I think about what crime I would commit. I certainly don't want to hurt anybody and I want the option to get out in like 10 years so I can go out to eat a few times.....and then when I'm bored, broke or homeless, I can commit another crime and head back to my bunk. I guess I could do something like write bad checks. Do a little shopping....maybe take a little vacay perhaps??? Ohhhh the possibilities!
Prison has always been my retirement plan, but after watching Orange Is The New Black, it sounds even better....Just call me Poussey!
Yes... It's probably a good thing that I never reproduced.
If you know this reference, you are old. If you don't know it, you are young or sheltered.
"Aloha, Mr. Hand."
So before I was the PILLAR <insert sarcasm> of health and fitness I am today, I was a tattoo artist that was slightly less than healthy...slightly :) As I stated in my prior blog "Drugs are bad Mkay?" I dabbled in some drugs back in the day.This is a little story about a drug bust I was involved in around the year 2001...can't really remember the exact date...probably because I was indeed smoking the dope back then. Now, I'm sure most drug busts are like a total bummer...but not this one.
One day I was hanging out at the tattoo shop with my girlfriend at the time who was also a tattoo artist, the body piercer and her girlfriend, and the owner of the shop. We were all sitting around talking about what we were going to do Mother's day weekend. Since all of our mom's lived far away, we decided to go to Helen, Ga for the weekend...I have no idea why. For those of you not familiar with Helen, it is basically a recreation of an alpine village complete with cobblestone alleys and old world towers. There are also a bunch of trails and rivers and what not to hang out on or hike. If you are in search of a new pair of Dutch wooden clogs or a new beer stein, then this is the place for you. Bikers and tourist fuckin' LOVE it!
So we decide to head up there, spend the night and then hangout down by the river the next day. Unfortunately for me, my wisdom teeth were breaking through my gum meat and literally crumbling as they came out. I had an appointment the following week to get them yanked, but too little too late... I was completely miserable the entire trip. I held a giant baggie filled with ibuprofen close to my heart and was poppin' those bitches like every 30 minutes. Everybody on the trip smoked weed. I'm pretty sure there was a giant cloud of smoke billowing from the pickup truck getting everybody behind us wasted all the way there.
We finally arrive in Helen and decide to do a little shopping. Now this was the period of my life when I was a full freak. I think I had green dreadlocks at the time, big Frankenstein shoes, a bunch of metal in my face, tattoos a blazin' etc. And everybody I was with was equally freaky. I'm sure the tourists thought the circus had just arrived in town. I'm sure we could have made a few bucks if we had thrown out a hat on the side walk and danced a little jig. Anyways, we are walking around this store, and this guy comes up to us and asks us if we want to shop in the back room. Without hesitation, we were like "sure do." So he takes us back to this room that is essentially a head shop with a a few sex toys included. I can't imagine why he thought we might be into this sorta thing, but he was RIGHT! So everybody bought a couple things. I bought a bitchin' corn cob pipe cuz I'm classy as fuck! So we head back to some cheap roach motel and break in our new stuff for the rest of the night.
The next day, we get up and head down to the river. Now it's kinda a rainy day and I'm pretty sure all we had with us was like a bag of Cheetos, a six pack of beer and some weed. No blankets, chairs, ponchos...nothing. We probably spent an hour trying to get a fire started with wet wood, but somehow managed to make it happen. So we are all sitting there, smoking dope and I'm like "Dude, I can't believe nobody brought marshmallows." So I look over and see some other people down river. And the ONLY thing that will get me to approach a stranger clearly is food, so I talk one of the other girls into going over there with me to try to score some marshmallows. Looking back, I'm certain we would have scared the shit out of our neighbors. I'm sure they would have thought they were suddenly a part of the Blair Witch Project.
So my friend and I start to walk away from our site when we hear "HOLD IT RIGHT THERE!" I turn around and see all these cops literally tumbling down a hill to get to us down by the river. My first instinct was to laugh because most of them ate shit on their way down and I was super stoned, but the humor of the situation quickly left as I imagined myself sitting in jail. One of the cops said "We have been sitting up there for quite a while watching you. We saw all of you smoke a pipe except YOU," and he pointed at me. He said "What's wrong with you?" I said "What can I say officer, I'm straight edge." He was like "I'm sure you are." So they started searching us and the truck we were in. They found several bags of weed, pipes and various other things. My girlfriend apparently was holding most of the contraband because every time a cop would hold something up and ask who's it was, she'd be like "That's mine." The only thing they took from me was my giant bag of ibuprofen, which I begged them not to take. But the cop said "I ain't never seen ibuprofen that looked like this before," and he snatched that shit right out of my hands.
As the search continued, the piercer and her girlfriend were kinda giggling to each other. We were like, what are you laughing about? And they said, "I wonder if they are gonna find our vibrator?" Which caused us all to bust out laughing. So the cops were like, "What's so funny?" And we said, "We are just curious if you are gonna find their vibrator?" Two of the cops turned bright red and the other one was like "What is that?" At that point we were rollin' on the ground we were laughing so hard. They never did find it because it was stashed in a little compartment under the seat. But just for fun, the girl who owned the truck, popped that seat up and whipped it out for them anyway to give that sweet young cop and education.
Next, one of the cops started to get our info. He rolled up to my girlfriend and was said "Sex....female, hair....blue, eyes...brown, with a littttttttle bit of red." Once again, we all cracked up. Finally after he wrote up a ticket for everybody except me. Then he said they needed to get a picture of us. So we all hop into the back of the pickup truck for the photo. You would have thought we were at a beach party or some festive event. We were all fixing our hair, leaning in with our thumbs up and we had the biggest smiles imaginable. If only we had smart phones and instagram at that time...I would pay top dollar to get a copy of that picture. I'm pretty sure we made him take a couple because somebody blinked and we couldn't manage to get our squinty eyes open. I'm certain that photo is mounted on a cork board in some police station somewhere. I think the bust ended with us giving the cops a high five and possibly a hug.
So the cops leave and I'm like "Man, I'm never smoking weed again." And my girlfriend was like, "That's too bad cuz I threw some weed over my shoulder when I saw them coming down the hill." I said "Well maybe just one more time to calm my nerves :) " They had taken all our smoking devices with us, so I can't remember exactly how we smoked the moment they drove away. We either rolled up some leaves or fashioned a bong out of a Mountain Dew can. As any good pot head knows...where there is weed, there is a way!
All the girls had to go to court and since they were on federal land or some shit like that, all they got was like a $300 ticket. So every year, when Mother's day rolls around, I think about two things, my mom and the funnest drug bust ever. Say no to drugs.
A few months back I was going through some difficult things and was really down on myself. I was at work and was exhausted from getting up at 4:15 am training and teaching all day on top of my personal drama. When your career is based on motivating people to exercise, you really can't have a bad day. You have to do your best to fake it. Something I have never been very good at. I wear my heart on my sleeve at all times. I consider the majority of my clients friends, and the moment they walk up to me, they know if something is wrong. Around 5:30 pm that day I was training my last client and we were chatting about what was going on. He said to me, "You know what I like most about you? You are authentic." I had never really thought about it...but that one moment completely turned my day around. I don't think anybody could have given me a bigger compliment. On that day, if I would have made a pro and con list of things about myself, the con list would have been very long and the pro list very short. But if someone put a gun to my head and said I could only put one thing on the pro list...AUTHENTIC would be it.
We all want to be liked and feel like we belong. Our society is made up of a million little subgroups...some good and some...not so much. Some like the Peace Corps make the world a better place. Then there are groups like the KKK that own their hate and then those who claim to be good, but preach hate if you don't follow their rules. (Fill in your own example :) ) There is upper, middle and lower class. Preppys, jocks, gamers and goths. Some people are being themselves and fit perfectly into the group and others are doing their best to change to be a part of it. I have never fit too neatly into any one group. I never understood why you would want to limit yourself by trying to fit perfectly in some little tiny box. I prefer to dabble. Why not take the best things from a bunch of different worlds and own that shit!
True things about me that you may or may not know....I cry...a lot. Movies, commercials, stories I hear, stories I tell, weddings, a dead squirrel on the side of the road...bottom line...I'm a big fucking baby and proud of it! I'm SUPER emotional...don't let the lack of expression and dead eyes fool ya. I enjoy the color pink. I love me some Oprah. I love to cook and grow herbs. I paint my toe nails. I like musicals and chick flicks like Steel Magnolias and Beaches. I don't like to touch most people, but if you are my old lady, I want to touch you all the time. I save all my touching for the one I love. (Get your mind out of the gutter.) I mean I like to get my cuddle on...spooning rules! I love ALL animals and especially kittens. The list goes on and on. People that don't know me might not guess these things based on my outside appearance and the way I move through the world...but it's all true.
If I love you as a human being...I will tell you. If I don't like you as a human being, I will not acknowledge you. I was not given the ability to bullshit. There have been many moments in my life like school, the Army, my career and MANY relationships where I wish I had that ability. Life would have been a whole lot easier and I probably would be much more successful if I was good at politics and playing the game. But I'm not. I'm fully aware that that inability will no doubt hold me back in life to a certain degree and I think I'm okay with that.
If you don't like me...I GET it. I really do. I'm an acquired taste. You don't have to pretend. Show it. I may not like you either, but I will respect you for your honesty. We can agree to disagree and be passing ships in the night. Don't smile to my face and then stab me in the back. Who's got time for that shit? I'll sniff your ass out, I promise and then I will not only dislike you, but I won't respect you either and to me, that is so much worse.
People play games all the time, some without even knowing it. You know like when you first meet somebody and you REALLY like them and all you want to do is be in their world in some way at all times. But something stops you. You went on one date and instead of texting them on the way home like you want to, you wait two days because you don't want to seem too needy. Or you don't contact them at all because you want them to do it. Or maybe you pretend to like football to get the guy, but you truly hate it. Maybe you give the illusion of wealth but are really broke as fuck and all your credit cards are maxed. (I think I just saw your car get repo'd) The truth comes out eventually. The bait and switch never works out. Why not just show them who you are from jump and then you don't have to spend the entire relationship pretending to be something you are not.
The best thing you can do for yourself and all the people around you is be true to who you are. You may not win any popularity contests, but you will sleep better at night knowing that every word you spoke that day and every action was authentic. The people that will surround you will be all killer and no filler!
.JPG)
