True Till Death!

Truth.

Courage.

Women's libbers burning their bras in the 60's. Something I do daily when I get home from work.

Fear is one of those emotions that can both move us to do something we don't want to do or paralyze us from doing something we want to do. Fear keeps many of us from living our true life. 

I would hate to see what the world would look like if there weren't people brave enough to die to make a change or stand up for their beliefs. Most of us just sit back and let others fight our battles and then gladly accept the benefits when they come. Often times, the same people who spoke out against these courageous people out of fear of "what the neighbors would think" are the same ones taking advantage of the rewards. If we all lived in fear of upsetting somebody, women wouldn't have the right to vote, get an education or have any rights at all. Slavery wouldn't have been abolished. Hitler's descendants might be running shit at the moment. There would be no labor unions. There would be no options as far as religion goes. Religious persecution for that matter, has been responsible for many wars and a huge amount of blood shed throughout history. Homosexuals are still fighting for the right to marry or be next to their partner in the hospital when they are on their death bed among other basic things heterosexuals take for granted.

I am a lesbian. Owning that side of myself has brought me the most joy and the most sadness in my life. When I came out of the closet, I lost several friends and family members. I don't march in parades or have any stickers on my car...mostly because I don't like stickers on my car and not really a big fan of a parades :) Fear doesn't keep me from doing these things because I assure you, I am a proud lesbian. It's because I want my sexuality to be the last thing people know about me, not the first and only thing. I don't want who I sleep with to define me and my life. I want it to be an after thought. I would rather people think of me first as a great friend, trainer and sarcastic bitch who enjoys cats, working out, cooking and eating...not necessarily in that order. Who I choose to love shouldn't determine what my friends and family think of me. Like it or not, it does. That is just the world we live in. But my desire to be happy and live my true life finally overcame my fear of rejection. A choice I gladly live with to this day. The quest for true love, something I could never have with a man will always be more important than acceptance from others... Always.

Many gay teenagers and adults have committed suicide because death seemed better than facing rejection from the very people who are supposed to love them unconditionally. So choose your words wisely with your children. Hopefully the next suicide won't be from the words that came from your lips. Because if you think it is a choice and could never happen to you or your family, you are wrong. The teenagers that kill themselves aren't the ones from the families who love them unconditionally, they are from the families who don't. I know somebody who talked shit about her own sister for being gay. She told her she didn't want her to bring her girlfriend around her children. That same person is now a flag waving lesbian. Life is funny like that...you never know what is around the next corner. Nobody chooses to be hated because of the one they love. They do their best to except that as part of their fate when they make the decision not to lie to themselves and others.

“The worst lies are the lies we tell ourselves. We live in denial of what we do, even what we think. We do this because we're afraid. We fear we will not find love, and when we find it we fear we'll lose it. We fear that if we do not have love we will be unhappy.”
- Richard Bach

As I have discussed in other blogs, people stay in bad relationships because they are afraid they can't do better or fear being alone. They stay in jobs they hate because they fear they won't make as much money or find anything better. I think what people fear most is not being liked. They continue to be involved in toxic friendships and circles out of the fear that someone might not like them or say something mean if they stand up for themselves or others. I will make a certain amount of sacrifices for the one I love and that's about it. If nobody loves me enough to do the same or won't allow me to live my true life, then they won't be in it.

I haven't blogged for a long time. Not because I have run out of things to say...no worries :)...but out of fear that I would hurt people's feelings by expressing the truth. When I sit back and really think about it, nobody has ever spared my feelings. If anything, it's quite the opposite. They have tried to hold me back to cover their own ass or because of their own selfish agendas. My personal life seems to be of great interest not so much to the people that actually know me, but to the people who don't which I really don't understand. Some of the gossip is true, but a lot of it is not. I'm a very private person...until I started writing this blog that is :) I have to say, if feels good have a voice and get the demons out. Still, I have been very careful in my subject matter and have held back identities and subjects that might be hard for some people to hear. Only the people close to me know the full truth about my life. I don't feel the need to tell acquaintances, coworkers or random people who happen to be walking by about everything that is going on in my life in an attempt to get them on TEAM NIKKI. I have paid a price for my silence. My side of the story is not out there, so people accept the other side as truth. The people in my inner circle say all the time..."they just don't know you." It's true. They don't. They only know the rumors. People gossiping about my personal life must really have a sad pathetic existence. Maybe they should get a hobby or a job or pay more attention to their children and family instead of investing precious time and energy talking about mine. Hell maybe they should write a blog! My friends always tell me that people only gossip to take the attention away from their own miserable lives. This I know to be true. Most of them are hypocrites. They have many skeletons in their closets. We all have made mistakes, they just haven't been caught... Yet.

I'd like to thank the gossip mongers, hypocrites and liars for giving me the incentive I needed to finally sit down and write my book. My entire life people have been telling me I need to write one. My fear of exposing myself and others and just plain old laziness have kept me from doing it. Well that fear is over... And I have to say I have never been more energized to do so. I'm thinking of calling it "The Other Side." But I think the title will reveal itself as I go along. I was wrestling with whether I should write a book that is my authentic truth or a book based on it.. Like 85% fact and 15% fiction to make it more interesting. I soon realized that the truth is interesting enough. No need to make shit up!

So sadly, this will be my last blog for a while. I will be focusing all my energy towards the book. I will post some passages from it here along the way. Feel free to give me feedback....there has been no lack of that :) Get ready to hear the other side of the story. Gossip mongers... START YOUR ENGINES!