Sunday, September 28, 2014

In Defense of the Endurance Athlete: You may be SUPER strong, but YOU are still an asshole.

True Dat.

Cross fit women at the top of their game. Most women that do Cross fit do NOT look like this, Training to reach THEIR goals.

Olympic marathon runners. Most women who run marathons do NOT look like this.
Training to reach THEIR goals.

Not training to reach HER goal.

I just went for a nice long run, and passed probably another 50 people running. They were minding their own business grinding out the long hard miles listening to their music and getting it in while most people are still sleeping off the hangover from yesterday’s football festivities. I get done with my run which ended up being about 12 miles. I’m feeling good about it because I haven’t run that far in a very long time. I also woke up feeling bad about myself because I got down on a big ass midnight snack last night. So I feel like I have already accomplished something today and now I need to keep that momentum going for the rest of the day. So I take a shower and I sit down at my computer with a cup of coffee to read some fitness and nutrition articles on Facebook. This FYI is what I do with most of my spare time when I’m not working, working out, or eating. I have liked every fitness website out there and this is my happy place…well most of the time.

And HERE is where I’m about to piss A LOT of people off. And you know what, NOT ONE SHIT will be given by me!

So I’m feeling good about life and I open up Facebook and surprise surprise my feed is full of selfie pictures and videos of people and their max lifts in their underwear followed by yet another narcissistic asshole…in their underwear…who has written another article bashing runners. I have read THOUSANDS of articles about how long steady state cardio is bad…you are consuming muscle for fuel, you are ruining your metabolism, you are scrawny, stupid, unattractive, you will never reach your goals, you are working harder not smarter and you are going to get injured…You should probably just shoot yourself in the face and get it over with!

Not one of these people writing these articles gave a shit if it offended me or the MILLIONS of endurance athletes out there. Ever since Cross fit has come on the scene, the bashing of endurance athletes has gotten even worse. Why do people doing steady state cardio offend you so much? Maybe, just MAYBE their goal isn’t to do 10 muscle ups or dead lift 500lbs. Maybe their goal is to be fast. And why do you care what other people are doing anyway? How does it affect you? That is just one more person you will be stronger than...YAY YOU! Guess what, I have read several books about running and cycling and they don’t want you to put on any weight, muscle or fat, if your goal is to get faster. Because that is just more weight you have to carry up a hill.

I have been a runner on and off my entire life. It has been a rollercoaster of ups and downs the whole time. I have had heartbreaking soul crushing injures. Some brought on by running and some brought on by living. Doing ANY sport over a lifetime will do that. Correct me if I’m wrong but, isn’t gymnastics a big part of the cross fit system? Um…no injuries or eating issues in that sport. And let’s talk about the POWER sport of football. No injuries there. Why aren’t there thousands of articles written about what complete idiots these people are? You know why? It’s because endurance athletes don’t care what you are doing. They are focusing on themselves, not your selfie. I can’t recall one article written by an endurance athlete bashing anybody...ever. Do you remember the one time somebody published an article saying that Cross fit is dangerous and causes injuries??? Those big strong tough guys got their boy panties in a wad and sued. BABIES! Imagine if a runner sued somebody every time a negative article was written about them.

I’m a personal trainer and I have been bullied by these assholes my entire career. I know what science says. I also know there is an article that contradicts every article out there. Remember when eating fat was bad? I know how to do things the right way. This is the first approach I take with all my clients. The route backed by the MAJORITY of science. Lift weights, do some cardio and eat a balanced diet…Everything in moderation. Well guess what? That works for about 1% of my clients and it sure as shit doesn’t work for me. Because we like, like most of America, like to eat. We all know that diet is the biggest piece of the puzzle when it comes to reaching their goals. If we could all eat well, then the scientific approach would work for everybody. But based on the obesity rate in the U.S., I’d say we are failing.

After I tore my calf muscle last year, I swore off running and all steady state cardio except indoor cycling. I’m a cycling instructor and it is what I love to do most when it comes to my fitness career, so I will never stop that shit unless there is a gun to my head. So, I started lifting weights 5-6 days per week. I followed a workout programmed by another trainer that focused heavily on Olympic lifts and many other Cross fit principles as well as several body building programs over this past year. And guess what? I got strong, injured and fat. I put on a ton of muscle, but I also put on fat because I continued to eat like I did when I was an endurance athlete. I tried to clean up my diet, but even when I did that, I still ate too much healthy food. And I was miserable counting calories and being obsessed with every macro I put in my mouth. I thought about food 24/7. I like most people would do well for a week or two and then fall off the wagon and binge.

I have so many amazing clients that are beautiful inside and out that are struggling to lose their final 2-10lbs to reach their goal weight. They do nothing but talk shit about themselves our entire session because they think they are fat. My response is almost always the same to these people. “You look amazing, you work really hard in the gym, you eat well most of the much of your soul and happiness are you willing to sacrifice to lose that final 5 lbs? How much of your life are you going to waste obsessing over getting the perfect body? And guess what, as soon as you lose that weight, you will find another flaw to obsess about. It’s ok to have a glass of wine or a piece of cake. What’s the point of having the body of your dreams, if you are totally miserable to get it? And …….FYI, you are an asshole when you are hungry and nobody wants to be around that shit!”

I would like to preface my next statement with this is NOT what I tell my clients to do and I WOULD NEVER tell them to do this. What seems to work for me as far as MY goals go, is to do 1.5-2 hours of running, cycling, and other forms of cardio 5-6 days per week and lift moderate weight 3 times per week. I usually do most of my cardio training fueled by coffee and no food in the morning. I will eat a protein bar (200cal) and then lift later in the day. I don’t really eat all day until I get home somewhere between 1:00-3:00pm. AND THEN IT IS ON! I eat until I pass out around 8:00pm. I wake up at 3:30am and the process starts again. This was my regimen when I was the happiest with myself and my body. Yes I worked out long and hard, but I was fast, ate whatever I wanted and my clothes fit. I felt happy and healthy.

I have a client that is 75yrs old. We have done the same 3 workouts for 5 years with the exception of some mobility work. His goal is to carry his own groceries into his house, and that is how we train. I have had other clients whose goals are to get a faster time in their next race, so we train for that. I have clients that want to be stronger, so we train for that. The bulk of my clients train because they want to look good in their clothes and be healthy as they age...that is the bottom line. Most of them don’t give a shit about being a fast runner or squatting 500lbs. So I train them for that. IT IS NOT A ONE SIZE FITS ALL APPROACH! Every client needs something different. And I would never EVER push my training style on anybody else ever. More and more trainers out there seem to be training their clients the way they train themselves and I don’t think that is a good thing. Their goals are probably NOT your goals.

SO now I’ve gone and done it again…pissed some people off..again. But you wouldn’t even know my opinion on this if you hadn’t written so many highly OFFENSIVE articles abusing people for basically working really hard to accomplish THEIR goals. I’m giving them a voice and I make no apologies.

The bottom line is that I really don’t care what other people do when it comes to working out or how they live their lives. It has ZERO affect on how I live mine. We all have inner demons we are battling every day. I will continue to train myself based on what works best for me and I will continue to train my clients on what works best for each one of them. I will go back to ignoring all the selfies, boasts and bashing of endurance athletes on Facebook…but today was not that day.

I hoped you enjoyed watching the Tour de France this year…what a bunch of LOSERS! And don’t even get me started on the Olympic marathoner’s…I mean, get a life people.

ALSO…I got up at 6:00am, drank a cup of coffee, ran 12 miles, drank another cup of coffee and then spent and hour and a half writing this post. No food yet and it’s 12:00pm. There is somebody out there that is highly offended that I have consumed muscle for fuel. Well guess what, it’s my muscle and I’ll eat it if I want to! go write an article about it. OR you could stop being an ASSHOLE and keep your negativity to yourself…how bout that???

Sunday, August 3, 2014

I'm stealing yo shit!

She is mad you stole her shit...

And is he.

I just get served…for real!

I just went and took a class at a competitor’s gym and got my ass handed to me by somebody for even being in the building. I was laying down stretching and when I sat up, she was hovering over me and said “Oh hey Nikki, are you here to steal secrets? I mean, is that what your gym does???” I responded with “Yes, yes I am.” Because I’m a smart ass and at the end of the day, that was PART of the reason was there. I should have said “Oh, is this girl the inventor of exercise??? I've been anxious to meet her!” NEWS FLASH! We all learned from somebody! Ain’t nobody reinventing the wheel. We are all taking basic movements and principles and tweeking them a little to make them our own…until somebody see’s what you are doing, and then they are gonna steal that shit fair and square!

I happen to know for a fact that this girl did NOT invent this method of exercise because I received my certification from the girl who did…and guess what??? It wasn't the girl teaching that class.

I’m known in my fitness bubble as being fairly innovative and mixing it up a lot with my clients and classes. Did I invent even one of those exercises??? Nope. I walked by some trainer in my gym and saw something I liked and I yelled “Hey! I love that, I’m totally stealing that shit!” Or maybe I went to a fitness convention, or a class or it showed up in my Facebook feed. I spend any time I have outside of the gym doing two things….eating and reading fitness and nutrition articles.

Generally, I’m taking the bits and pieces I like and throw the rest away. It’s all about programming…how you put the workout together, is what makes it your own. Anybody that knows me knows I’m horrible at 3 things…1. Talking to strangers. I’m really shy, not an asshole. (Well I can definitely be a big ‘ol asshole, but not until you give me a reason to J) 2. Navigation. If it weren't for my IPhone, I’d be lost right now. 3. Remembering anything that I didn't personally create. I can’t remember shit. All day my clients are telling me stuff and I’m like “ZIP IT!”…send it to me in a text if you want me to remember. It’s not that I am not interested, it’s just that I have a touch of ADD and my mind wanders uncontrollably. This is the reason I do everything in my power to stay away from any class that involves choreography. One minute I’m following the instructor and in a flash…BAM! I’m wondering if I took the laundry out of the dryer and running into the chick next to me. The moral of the story is this. I possibly retained one new movement in that class yesterday because I had done the rest of them at some point before and I didn't write anything down.

Daily somebody will walk past me at the gym and say, “They should give you a bed here…do you ever leave?” And for the most part, I don’t. I love me job and when I’m not working, I’m working out which guess what…happens where I work. So occasionally, I will go work out somewhere else because I don’t want to be at work every moment I’m not sleeping. I took Yoga at a studio in town and loved it. My gym offers yoga, but I wanted to go workout somewhere new…not to steal secrets, but to be somewhat anonymous….which when you are a tattooed freak, is very hard to do. I have a tendency to stand out a little. But every now and then I want to workout and not have someone roll up to me and start bitching that the gym is too hot, the gym is too cold, this towel is too scratchy, there is dust on the top of that mirror etc…

I can’t tell you how many people have taken my classes and stole my shit. I have even written it down for them. To me, it is the highest form of flattery. Come one, come all…My shit is your shit! I respect an instructor/trainer who doesn't claim to know it all. There is something to be said for being humble and open to new and different ideas. I have no interest in talking to anybody who thinks they have all the answers and have finished learning.

I am forever a student and you should be too. And I guarentdamnteeya…If I walk by and you are doing something I like…I’m stealing it! But, if I’m not actually writing it down at that moment, don’t worry, I won’t remember it.

Friday, July 25, 2014


One thing in life is certain and that is nothing stays the same…not forever. Nobody is immune or safe. Change scares the HELL out of some people, while others are constantly seeking it out. Neither is completely wrong. As with everything in life, it’s about balance. Safe is safe…until it’s not. If you don’t make the decision to change on your own when something doesn't feel quite right, someone or something will bite you in the ass and make that change for you. Maybe you stay in a bad place because you think it is safe and familiar and the “what if’s” are much more terrifying than your current reality…so you decide to stay. I promise you, that you are not the only one that is feeling uneasy about the situation. Eventually, the universe will rise up and make that change for you.

Maybe you have always wanted to travel, but you never did because you felt you had to save every cent for what “might happen”. Then one day you get hit by a bus and die with a boatload of cash in the bank. You never had the chance to experience the happiness that money you worked so hard for, could bring you.

Don’t be forced into being reactive with your life, be proactive.

That being said, the grass is not always greener. There are people that have beauty and love all around them, and all they can see is what somebody else has. They spend their life comparing themselves to others instead of appreciating what is already within their grasp. There is something to be said for being content with your life. THAT is a beautiful place! I don’t think many of us have been there…we only dream of it. The constant quest for that “place” is the root of great sadness for many people. The desire to keep up with the “Joneses” will ruin the perfection that is right before you.

Most people put their best foot forward. Nobody is posting a photo of a fist hole in a wall after a fight with their spouse on Facebook. Instead what you see is the family photo next to the Christmas tree. Everybody is all happy and perfect…not a care in the world. I can count on one hand…2 fingers to be exact, the people that I have met in my 40 years that have actually lived that life. I’m 99% sure that for the most part, if you think real hard, you will come up with the same result.

So why are we making ourselves miserable in pursuit of what we have been told is perfection? It is good to work for things and strive for a better life, but strive for YOUR OWN best life. Not somebody else’s. One day you may achieve somebody else’s best life and find yourself miserable and then what?

There is a great deal of change happening all around me and to me. Some days, it is downright terrifying. But then there are other days when I imagine the great possibilities that can arise from all this change. There is no reward without risk. Many people immediately go to the worst case scenario during these times of change. You can’t live your life putting the cart before the horse wondering what if??? Living constantly in the state of fear and for some, panic, thinking about what MIGHT happen. Maybe think about what amazing things COULD happen instead. Don’t be such a fucking Debbie Downer all the time!

The best advice I would give anyone is to live your true life. Do what makes you happy because nothing amazing ever happened by playing it safe. Embrace change, don’t fear it. If you died tomorrow, would you look back on your life and think, I wouldn't change a thing? I don’t think anybody would. We have all made mistakes. A wise man told me once, it’s ok to make mistakes as long as you learn from them and don’t make them again. Well, I personally have made the same mistake more than once, but I promise you this, I will never make the same mistake again. I still don’t regret a thing. I learned some valuable life lessons through it all. The only thing I will regret are the chances I didn't take.

Saturday, January 4, 2014


The second life changing call I made to my mom 20 years later.

Video is about 35 min but the lesson is worth every second.

I know I said I wasn't going to blog for a while but then I saw an article in my Facebook feed which brought me to the video above. I have not been able to think about anything else since. I'm only able to write when I am moved to do so. To say I was moved by that video would be an understatement. This is a blog about regret.

 As I stated In my last blog, I have stayed away from certain subjects and have not named names in this blog out of fear. Fear of revealing myself and fear of revealing others. I was working on an outline of my book yesterday and I was completely consumed. I looked down at my computer and the memories and the stories just came flooding out. One memory led to another. The next time I looked up, it was 3 hours later. It felt like it had been 3 min. All I had been doing was making a list. One word per story and time just disappeared. And some of the words on that list were pretty horrific. Mistakes that I had made as well as some pretty unspeakable things that had happened to me. That outline only covered about 5 years of my life. The first five. I have recently had several discussions about how hard life has been for most people. I am not part of the minority this time. I'm part of the majority. I was talking to somebody a few weeks ago that said "I really can't complain. My childhood was really great. My parents are still together and happy and nothing really bad has ever happened to me." I realized in that moment that I had never met anybody that shared that experience. It was like finding the holy grail. 

I have been really mad at my parents for about 20 years. My mom is really sick and I fear that she doesn't have many years left. I went home to her house for Christmas for the first time in maybe 6 years. In the weeks that led up to that visit, I struggled. I wanted to find a way to forgive her and my stepfather for turning their backs on me when I was honest with them and told them I was gay. This is something I had not been able to do in 20 years. How was I going to make in happen in 2 weeks? 

I used to be extremely close to my parents. My entire life I lived to please them and make them proud. The thought of disappointing them was unbearable. From about 4th grade until i was about 19, that is exactly what I did. I was a star athlete and competitive runner from the age of 9 until about 16 when I started to accumulate a series of injuries that I still haven't fully recovered from. 

Overall, I was a really good kid. I did everything I was supposed to do. I didn't drink or do drugs or party or have sex or anything that most teenagers dabble in growing up. That was my older brother's department.

My parents told me if I got good grades and an athletic scholarship, they would get me a car and pay for the rest of my college education. So, that is exactly what I did, injuries and all. I was no where near the runner I once was, but still managed to get a scholarship. The disappointment in my moms eyes that I was not at the top anymore, haunts me to this day.

So off to college I went. I had just finished Army basic training at Fort Jackson and I was about to start my freshman year at Flagler College. I knew beyond a shadow of a doubt that I had accomplished my goal. My parents were proud of me. 

Fast forward to my sophomore year. I had fallen in love with my roommate who happened to be a girl. Nobody was more surprised than me. Nobody wanted it less than I did. But it was who I was.

My mom and I used to spend hours talking on the phone every week. On a regular basis, I would make the 7 hr drive to their house in the middle of the night just to surprise them. Even if I only was able to stay home for just one day... That was better than no day at all with them.

One day my mom and I were talking on the phone. We were having a conversation that led me to believe that she was opening the door for me to tell her I was gay. I had no intentions of having that discussion on that day. I certainly hadn't planned to tell her on the phone. Our discussion led me to think that she knew and it was ok. I couldn't have been more wrong.

She said "Are you dating anybody?" I said "Well actually mom, I am in love." She said "With who?" I said "Callie." She said "You are no longer my daughter" and hung up on me. 

They took my car away and sold it. They cut off my college education and wouldn't sign my student load papers so I could continue to go to school. They essentially left me for dead. They said they couldn't support my lifestyle. In an instant, my life changed forever. I was practically homeless and lost my entire family. I never felt so alone, ashamed and betrayed. Everything I had worked so hard for was gone with one word... "Callie." 

I sat there devastated that my family was gone and I didn't have more than $10.00 in my bank account. I made about $150 a month with the National Guard. That was my only income at that time.

My first girlfriend had just started working as a stripper to help pay for her college education. I was furious. I'd see a big wad of cash on the dresser and in a very accusing way said "What did you do for that?" I hated it. After that conversation with my mom, my girlfriend and I were talking about how I was going to pay my part of the rent next week. She said, "Why don't you come into the club and see what I do? I promise you will feel better about it." So I did. And she was right. It was just a bunch of girls dancing in bikinis for some road worn truckers. They also served food. After about 20 minutes, the manager came over and offered me a job waiting tables. I hesitated for a moment and said "yes". I was 19. I paid my rent the next day. By the next week I was dancing. By the next month, I paid my college tuition and was back in school.

I was a stripper for about 3 years. Am I proud of that fact, no. Am I ashamed, not so much. It was the first big decision of a young girl who was never given the option to think for herself. It was a desperate attempt at survival. 

After transferring twice and changing my major 6-7 times and taking time off to tour with a band, I graduated. I started college in 1991. I graduated in 1998. I walked across that stage with my head held high... My rather large head with a nice conservative bright purple bob. My parents watched with pride. My mom said "Well you did it, you proved me wrong. You probably did it only to prove me wrong." I said "No, I did it to prove me right." 

Years before my graduation day, I came home and there was a message on my answering machine from my mom. She said, "Somebody in the family died, thought you would want to know." She didn't say who, so I had to call her back. It turned out to be some distant relative I had never heard of. We slowly started to talk again. The subject of me being gay came up a few times, but it always ended with a fight and with me leaving in tears. Eventually we stopped talking about it, but it was always the elephant in the room. Years passed and I saw a change in my parents. They have said it many times over the years and I believe them. "We just want you to be happy. We don't care who you love." My parents aren't homophobic. My gay great uncle Tommy was one of their favorite people. They didn't hate me. They hated the loss of the dream. The dream that I would get married, have a few kids, and live happily ever after. They hated that my life would be harder. They hated how it would reflect on them to other people around them. They wondered if they did something wrong? Could they have done something better? They have never said these things to me but I can see it in their eyes.

I know that all they want now is my happiness. They want me to forgive them. I want nothing more than to do just that. I have been searching my soul to find a way to truly do it. When I was home for Christmas, they took me on what I call..."The death tour." They wanted to show me where they kept all the important things in the house so when they die, I would know where everything was. They gave me a key to the house so I wouldn't have to break the door down when they die. 

As I made the 10 hour drive to their house, I thought about all the things I wanted to say. I wanted to make peace. I wanted to let my anger go so I could not just love them, but like them. We started to talk about it and it went bad immediately. So I said, "Never mind, let's not talk about it." My mom said "fine." A few minutes passed and she said "All I want is for you to be happy." I said "Thanks." 

Things were better than they had been in a very long time when I left, but it still felt unresolved. 

After watching the video above this morning, I cried. A lot. I have no plans of dying of an overdose. But my greatest fear is that my parents will die and I will never get the chance to say that I forgive them and mean it. I know that I would never have a greater regret in my life than that one. 

This morning I realized that the people I hold the biggest grudges over, the people I can't seem to forgive, are the ones I loved the most. They are the ones that were supposed to love me unconditionally and keep me safe. They were the ones that were supposed to protect my heart, not break it. 

In this moment my biggest regret comes from the hearts I have broken. There is no greater pain. And for that, I'm truly sorry. 

I've got to go now and make another life changing phone call to my mom. All I'm going to say is "I love you and I forgive you." I will not live the rest of my life with the regret of not saying those words.

Love your children no matter who they love.

Thursday, January 2, 2014

True Till Death!



Women's libbers burning their bras in the 60's. Something I do daily when I get home from work.

Fear is one of those emotions that can both move us to do something we don't want to do or paralyze us from doing something we want to do. Fear keeps many of us from living our true life. 

I would hate to see what the world would look like if there weren't people brave enough to die to make a change or stand up for their beliefs. Most of us just sit back and let others fight our battles and then gladly accept the benefits when they come. Often times, the same people who spoke out against these courageous people out of fear of "what the neighbors would think" are the same ones taking advantage of the rewards. If we all lived in fear of upsetting somebody, women wouldn't have the right to vote, get an education or have any rights at all. Slavery wouldn't have been abolished. Hitler's descendants might be running shit at the moment. There would be no labor unions. There would be no options as far as religion goes. Religious persecution for that matter, has been responsible for many wars and a huge amount of blood shed throughout history. Homosexuals are still fighting for the right to marry or be next to their partner in the hospital when they are on their death bed among other basic things heterosexuals take for granted.

I am a lesbian. Owning that side of myself has brought me the most joy and the most sadness in my life. When I came out of the closet, I lost several friends and family members. I don't march in parades or have any stickers on my car...mostly because I don't like stickers on my car and not really a big fan of a parades :) Fear doesn't keep me from doing these things because I assure you, I am a proud lesbian. It's because I want my sexuality to be the last thing people know about me, not the first and only thing. I don't want who I sleep with to define me and my life. I want it to be an after thought. I would rather people think of me first as a great friend, trainer and sarcastic bitch who enjoys cats, working out, cooking and eating...not necessarily in that order. Who I choose to love shouldn't determine what my friends and family think of me. Like it or not, it does. That is just the world we live in. But my desire to be happy and live my true life finally overcame my fear of rejection. A choice I gladly live with to this day. The quest for true love, something I could never have with a man will always be more important than acceptance from others... Always.

Many gay teenagers and adults have committed suicide because death seemed better than facing rejection from the very people who are supposed to love them unconditionally. So choose your words wisely with your children. Hopefully the next suicide won't be from the words that came from your lips. Because if you think it is a choice and could never happen to you or your family, you are wrong. The teenagers that kill themselves aren't the ones from the families who love them unconditionally, they are from the families who don't. I know somebody who talked shit about her own sister for being gay. She told her she didn't want her to bring her girlfriend around her children. That same person is now a flag waving lesbian. Life is funny like never know what is around the next corner. Nobody chooses to be hated because of the one they love. They do their best to except that as part of their fate when they make the decision not to lie to themselves and others.

“The worst lies are the lies we tell ourselves. We live in denial of what we do, even what we think. We do this because we're afraid. We fear we will not find love, and when we find it we fear we'll lose it. We fear that if we do not have love we will be unhappy.”
- Richard Bach

As I have discussed in other blogs, people stay in bad relationships because they are afraid they can't do better or fear being alone. They stay in jobs they hate because they fear they won't make as much money or find anything better. I think what people fear most is not being liked. They continue to be involved in toxic friendships and circles out of the fear that someone might not like them or say something mean if they stand up for themselves or others. I will make a certain amount of sacrifices for the one I love and that's about it. If nobody loves me enough to do the same or won't allow me to live my true life, then they won't be in it.

I haven't blogged for a long time. Not because I have run out of things to worries :)...but out of fear that I would hurt people's feelings by expressing the truth. When I sit back and really think about it, nobody has ever spared my feelings. If anything, it's quite the opposite. They have tried to hold me back to cover their own ass or because of their own selfish agendas. My personal life seems to be of great interest not so much to the people that actually know me, but to the people who don't which I really don't understand. Some of the gossip is true, but a lot of it is not. I'm a very private person...until I started writing this blog that is :) I have to say, if feels good have a voice and get the demons out. Still, I have been very careful in my subject matter and have held back identities and subjects that might be hard for some people to hear. Only the people close to me know the full truth about my life. I don't feel the need to tell acquaintances, coworkers or random people who happen to be walking by about everything that is going on in my life in an attempt to get them on TEAM NIKKI. I have paid a price for my silence. My side of the story is not out there, so people accept the other side as truth. The people in my inner circle say all the time..."they just don't know you." It's true. They don't. They only know the rumors. People gossiping about my personal life must really have a sad pathetic existence. Maybe they should get a hobby or a job or pay more attention to their children and family instead of investing precious time and energy talking about mine. Hell maybe they should write a blog! My friends always tell me that people only gossip to take the attention away from their own miserable lives. This I know to be true. Most of them are hypocrites. They have many skeletons in their closets. We all have made mistakes, they just haven't been caught... Yet.

I'd like to thank the gossip mongers, hypocrites and liars for giving me the incentive I needed to finally sit down and write my book. My entire life people have been telling me I need to write one. My fear of exposing myself and others and just plain old laziness have kept me from doing it. Well that fear is over... And I have to say I have never been more energized to do so. I'm thinking of calling it "The Other Side." But I think the title will reveal itself as I go along. I was wrestling with whether I should write a book that is my authentic truth or a book based on it.. Like 85% fact and 15% fiction to make it more interesting. I soon realized that the truth is interesting enough. No need to make shit up!

So sadly, this will be my last blog for a while. I will be focusing all my energy towards the book. I will post some passages from it here along the way. Feel free to give me feedback....there has been no lack of that :) Get ready to hear the other side of the story. Gossip mongers... START YOUR ENGINES!