I had no intentions of writing today, but I’m ready to wrap this thing up. I want to put it in a box and bury it in the yard and finally move on. After this final blog on the subject, my case will be CLOSED! There will be no more blogs about these people or this subject. These people have already gotten more time and attention than they deserve. Unless of course, I have no choice but to publish the dirty details I have left out. My hope is that I don’t have to once again defend myself against a bunch of lies. But I am armed and ready if necessary so we will see what happens. There may or may not be a future amendment to this blog. <holding breath>
The very thing that got me off my ass to write this final letter to myself was a report from somebody on “Team Nikki” about one of my ex’s who loved me less than I loved them hanging out with one of my ex-best friends last night. To hear about them “having the best time ever” together came as no surprise. It is about as predictable as the sun coming up tomorrow. Once you get past the charisma that each of them possess and really see who they are, there are no surprises.
To be honest. it makes me laugh. One of them was the girl who was in a bad marriage, that pursued me and I feel MADLY in love with. Over several years, she treated me like shit, took me for granted, and pushed me right out the door. The moment I finally left, a switched flipped and suddenly, I was the love of her life that broke her heart. As I stated previously, she then went out and recruited anybody that did or did not like me. The majority of the people that did not like me were people that hurt or betrayed me and then tried to be my friend again. When I told them to eat shit and die, they joined forces.
Acknowledgement is the only way to get forgiveness from me. I might forgive a person who has hurt me if they take responsibility for what they did. But I can pretty much guarantee that our relationship will never be what it was. You will never be in my “ride or die” club again. Once you break my trust, I will never make myself vulnerable to you again.
My ex did acknowledge all her mistakes to me. She literally got down on her hands and knees and begged me to forgive her. There were many knocks on my door at 3:00am and I always knew it would be her standing there when I opened it. Given that I had watched her lie to everybody in her life, talk shit about every friend she had at the time when they weren't around, and the hundreds of lies I had caught her in over the years…I wasn't buying it. When I told her, I would only let her back in my life if she made a public apology and told everybody that she lied about me, she refused. She said she would go to each one of them individually and confess :) …hilarious. Maybe if I had not caught her in so many lies, I would have believed her, but the trust ship sailed long ago. Once again, she proved that I was still at the bottom of her list. After all, if she did that, she would have looked like a better human being to me. However that might not be the case when it comes to the hundreds of people she lied to. She is all about the numbers. It will always be quantity over quality when it comes to the people in her life. So when I told her to get the hell out of mine, she went right back to recruiting.
One of the people she recruited was one of my best friends a while back. This is the “friend” who was married with children who made a pass at me and I said “no.” Yes…it’s true. There are several married women that have tried to get on me that I actually said no to. You could chalk it up to the fact that we were drinking…. Right up until the point where she went and brushed her teeth and then proceeded to climb over the back of the couch and eat my face. I pushed her away and got the hell out of there. A few days later she said “I’m glad you pushed me away, because if you hadn't, things would have gone a lot further.” I never felt comfortable around her or her husband who I actually adore, ever again. I wanted to crawl under a rock every time she was near me. She however was not going away any time soon. She specializes in persistence and was not going to go away quietly into the night. I did my best to try to get over it and tread lightly. We still hung out on occasion because she would not take no for an answer and would eventually wear me down. We were getting by…sort of…until she crossed the line once again.
This time it was with the ex I described above. I remember telling my friend that night “I am madly in love with this girl. I have never been so happy in my entire life. I’m going to marry this one.” I practically had tears in my eyes as I gushed about my girlfriend. I go into detail about this in my blog about friendship. So if you want the whole story…read that blog. ### SPOILER ALERT### The night ended with my girlfriend coming back to me with her eyes popping out of her head saying “I was in the kitchen and she asked me to French kiss her and lunged towards me. As she did that, her friend came in and I pushed her towards that girl and told her to kiss her instead!”
My first thought was “Who the hell says French kiss me???” My second thought was “friendship over.” We were out of there seconds later. I don’t need friends that make sexual advances at me and when that doesn't work, go after the person I love. To make it worse, she never acknowledged that she had done anything wrong. She never said she was sorry. She said “I was just having fun. That’s what girls do when they drink together.” Ummmm …in high school yes, possibly college. Not when you are 40 and married with children. And definitely not with a lesbian.
So I cut her out of my life and so did my girlfriend at the time. She also said a lot of nasty things about this “friend” and gossiped about it to everybody that rolled up and asked us why we were no longer friends.
Years later I wrote her a letter and told her that I was over it. I told her I didn't hate her, but I also didn't want to be her friend either. I did want to rid myself of the anger I had towards this person I really did love before she betrayed me. I thought it was somewhat over and we were at a neutral place. I think we were until I left my ex…then she was recruited…and then they joined forces.
So when I heard that the two of them were out partying together last night along with a few other people, one of them being my ex’s current girlfriend, my first reaction was laughter. My second thought was I wonder if her current girlfriend knows why I’m not friends with that girl anymore. I wonder if she knows that I was protecting the girl I loved from a person who claimed to be my friend. My third thought was…”Of course not! Once a liar, always a liar. C’est la vie! Her girlfriend will find out who she is in love with soon enough. All I have to do is sit back and wait.
So ya…this reminded me that I had not yet written a letter to myself.
You FUCKED up! You made some really bad decisions and should be ashamed of yourself! I know you acknowledge this. As usual, you let your heart lead instead of your head. You made a bunch of justifications for what you did, but there was always that faint voice telling you it was wrong. You chose to ignore that voice and karma reached up and bit you in the ass. Your heart got crushed by these women and you deserved it. I hope you have finally learned from your mistakes and will never put yourself in this position again.
I hope you will never settle for being the other woman. I hope you will get out of a bad relationship sooner and not waste time, energy and tears trying to make another woman be something she will never be. I know you stayed because you know relationships are hard and you have to make sacrifices and compromises to make them work. Yes, eventually the honeymoon ends and people start getting real, but when it’s over, there has to be at least a basic level of respect. And the compromises and sacrifices have to come from both sides, not just yours and not just theirs.
Maybe you let them treat you like shit because you had been in their shoes and treated another girl the same way. Maybe your guilt got the best of you. Well I’m here to tell you NOBODY deserves to be treated like that…nobody. It is worst pain imaginable…to be in love with somebody who doesn't love you back. Somebody who essentially thinks you are pathetic for making yourself vulnerable to them. Clearly they have a very low opinion of themselves because they basically hate you for loving them.
Next time you are in a relationship where the love isn't equal, I want you to promise me you will get out ASAP. If you are not in love, then at least give the girl some respect and let her go. She deserves that. If you are in love and it is not returned…YOU BETTER RUN BITCH! It may break your heart, but at least you will leave with your dignity.
You may never find love again. I need you to be OK with that. You have some really great friends that have already talked about you being crotchety old bitches sitting in chairs on the porch yelling at the neighborhood kids to “get off our lawn!” If those kids don’t leave, you would then resort to throwing your dirty diapers at them and laugh as you shit yourselves. Now THAT sounds like a good time! It’s much better than settling on a loveless life with somebody you eventually won’t even like just so you won’t die alone. I’ll tell you this, there is nothing worse than wasting your life and to never take chances at being happy just to play it safe. Nobody lays on their deathbed and says “I’m glad I settled on a half life. I’m glad that I chose to make everybody else happy instead of myself.” According to a hospice nurse’s article, the regrets are really quite the opposite. Check out this link if you ever need a reminder:
Most importantly, don’t give up on love! You are already extremely protective and have very high standards for the people you let in (except when it comes to girlfriends). Nobody is perfect, they will all have flaws. As long as they give you the love and respect you deserve and you give it back to them without effort, then anything is possible. If you don’t make yourself vulnerable again, then you will never experience the feeling of being “in love again” and that would be a shame. Especially since you have experienced it before. I know with vulnerability comes the potential for great pain also. But as you stated above, nobody looks back and is happy that they played it safe.
Don’t die with 156 cats regretting the chances you didn't take.