Tuesday, April 21, 2015

You sir...are a douche canoe.

I prefer Zombies.

I would like to enter into evidence: Exhibit A

There are 2 types of people in this world, the type that pull into a parking spot and then there are the people that back in. If you are a back in kinda person, chances are…we ain’t gonna be friends. You sir, are a douche canoe! There are only 3 occasions when I feel that this is acceptable:

1. You are on a stakeout.

2. You are planning to rob the Coinstar machine inside the grocery store and you need to buy yourself some time to rent a Red Box movie with your new loot on the way out. So by all means, back that shit up so you can get out before the copper’s get there and arrest your ass because now not only are you going to jail, but you will also be paying some hefty fines for returning that Redbox movie late. And chances are you will probably never even watch that movie.

3. Ok on this one, backing in is still not acceptable. You are however allowed to pull into a spot and straight through to the other side. Now you can just pull out to make your fast getaway.

It’s midnight and you are in the middle of your Gilmore Girls marathon on Netflix when hunger strikes! You have eaten perfectly all day, but that last episode struck a chord deep in the black hole where your heart used to be. You dry your eyes, and the only thing that is going to fix this is a half gallon of ice cream and a box of macaroni and cheese or a pizza. You won’t know the right answer until you get home, so you buy both because it’s too risky. You will also need a roadie (that little package of Oreo’s in front of the self check-out at Kroger). You will be using the self checkout because :

A. You will do anything to avoid human contact when not working…unless you are on the internet. Texting does not count. If you do feel the need to text this person, please complete all your thoughts before hitting SEND. No need to send one sentence at a time. Thank you. Namaste.

B. There are drunk college students in the lines with the cashiers judging you because:

     a. You are in your pj’s

     b. You have no makeup on and your face is swole from plucking your eyebrows and picking at                your face in that damn magnifying mirror.

     c. You are wearing a hoodie with your hood pulled up and it is 98 degrees out.

     d. You probably have 2 mismatched flip flops on and you look like a homeless uni-bomber.

C. You are a personal trainer and if it’s not a drunk college student in line in front of you, then it’s one of your clients. The first thing they do is lay down over their cart so you can’t see what’s in it. Then their eyes go straight to yours. So there you stand looking like you just rolled out of the dumpster, with a cart full of crap and while you were there, you thought “I think I might bleed in the next few days so I better get a giant box of tampons while here.” So they start to judge you until they see the tampons and then they give you that knowing look like “Shark week eh? I totally get it.”

Ya, so if none of these situations apply to you, then just pull in dickhead. At some point you will have to back up either upon arrival or on departure. So be courteous to others at the grocery store that just worked all day and just want to get home and binge eat in bed. Don’t make them wait on your ass. Chances are they were sitting there with their blinker on waiting to pull into the parking place that you just stole from them anyway…because you are indeed…THAT guy or girl. You are also the person that takes the same road to work every day. They have been doing construction on that road for 8 months. There are 10-12 signs telling you that the lane is going to end and to merge over. So everybody starts to move over…except YOU! You are going to fly up on the shoulder to the front of the line and cut somebody off and sneek in right before you fly over the side of the overpass and plunge to your death. You better pray that that person at the front of the line ain’t me because I am gonna hold my ground and you ain’t getting in and you will DIE and I will get a great sense of satisfaction when you do.

Any questions?

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