Wednesday, July 31, 2013
I feel myself getting dumberer...Chapter 1
a. You get the phantom flusher. I know you have been here...who's coming with me ??? You enter the stall and start to lower yourself to the shitter, it flushes. Then you start to pee and it flushes. You start to reach for the toilet paper and it flushes again. It's water conservation at it's best. FINALLY...you have finished your business and you need to flush and NOTHING. You start to do a series of squats followed by some abracadabra hand movements...still nothing. Eventually, you look around to find a button or anything to manually flush it. You spot one...unwilling to actually touch that shit with your hand, you give it the 'ol Jackie Chan kick and BAM! VICTORY! That toilet can't defeat you...you are better than that!
b. The paper towel dispenser gets jammed. You roll up to that bitch, wave your hands under it and once again....nothing. There is a tiny 'lil scrap of paper sticking out of it so you decide you are gonna ever so carefully grab that thing and carefully pull on it and somehow think that you will be successful at getting a paper towel. I usually end up lancing a cutical or bending my nail back from sticking my fingers in there and then manage to tear off a little square the size of a postage stamp. I am left standing there like an asshole holding my scrap of paper. At this point I use my wet hands to style my hair cuz chances are my wig is looking a little rough. I walk over to the sensored trash can to throw it away and that doesn't work either. I put that 'lil scrap on my finger and carefully wedge the trash can lid up and EUREKA...my work here is done! As I head to the door, all I can think is why don't they have an automatic door cuz that's the one thing I really don't want to touch. I immediately start analyzing what item of clothing is the least valuable to me. Normally I might use a paper towel but that fucker ain't working. So I put my hand underneath the bottom back edge of my shirt, grab the handle and do a Dancing with the Stars spin maneuver outta that bitch.
c. You visit an old school public restroom. This whole blog happened because I went to a concert last week and against my better judgement, had to use the restroom. There have been many times in the past where I have stopped drinking fluids 12 hrs in advance to avoid the situation, but this was not one of those times. I manage to conquer the toilet with a regular handle by using a nice roundhouse kick. I walk up to the sink, put my hands under there and... you guessed it...nothing. Why you ask??? Because it is not motion sensored. So feeling like a complete idiot, I use my hands to turn it on. The restroom is full and I start to panic as I head towards the paper towel dispenser. Manual or automatic...that is the question. As I'm analyzing the situation, this chick walks up to the sink and asks me..."Do you know if somebody is using this sink?" I look down at it and there is still water coming out of the faucet because my dumb ass didn't turn it off :) I normally don't have to perform that task and the fact that I would have to use my hands once again eludes me. It must have been the stress over the paper towel situation that was about to go down. I look at her and say..."How rude...that person must hate the environment."
India and China must think we are complete morons. In many areas of those countries, they dig a hole in the ground and squat. It just ain't that hard. Simple solution while firming your glutes and quads. It's a win win! The bathroom is not the only glitch in my matrix. Stay tuned for more tales of technology dominating me...over and over.