Wednesday, July 3, 2013

Let's Blow Shit Up!

Me in the fridge as usual...looking for condiments.

Photo of Tad before his only graduation...grade school. Except maybe a few 12 step programs. Those diplomas have been revoked.

Sunshine sans Vaseline.

Alligator gar fish pre-freezer.

In honor of the 4th of July I thought I would write a little story about blowing shit up. Me, my brother...we'll call him Tad because that's his name...and he sure as Hell ain't innocent, so no need to protect him...and our yellow lab Sunshine spent the entire month of July blowing up everything we could get our hands on. I'm not really sure where my brother got all his fireworks. I'm pretty certain he stole them out of somebody's garage or traded my mom's engagement ring for them in a back alley somewhere. Who knows...but we always had PLENTY of ammo. Both my parents worked full time and we were always home alone which meant we got into a lot of trouble. Tad was always grounded for the entire summer...which didn't mean much since my parents were at work. Nothing could keep Tad in the house. My dad actually screwed his screen into the frame from the outside so he couldn't get out at night. A few months later, they realized that he had cut the tops off the screws and glued them to the screen, so it looked like they were there, but he could easily escape. It was brilliant! I always thought if he had used his ingenuity for good, he coulda gone somewhere in life. But he chose to use his 2 brain cells for escaping from my parents and/or the police.

Tad would normally wake me up in the summer pretty early because he did not like to be alone. He would either blast AC DC's "Back in Black" or he would throw a lit firecracker into my room. Sometimes if I was lucky, he would shoot a bottle rocket into my bitchin' waterbed. That's right...I said it...I had a waterbed and it was totally gangster with my Strawberry Shortcake comforter and sheet set. Man, if I still had that waterbed, I could really woo the ladies. I'd be like totally irresistible!

Anyways, we blew up everything with firecrackers or M80's...which I think is equivalent to something like a quarter stick of dynamite. Tad would say "Nicole...get the net...we are going fishin'! The lake was in the backyard and again, I can't believe we made it out of there with all our limbs and no accidental drownings or without freezing to death from falling through the ice several times every winter. So I would grab the net and roll down to the lake with him. He would light an M80 and throw it in the water. About 5 seconds after that thing blew, about 10-15 striped bass would float to the top. Me and Sunshine would jump into the lake and collect them. Tad would usually throw them directly into the freezer. My mom would get home and open the freezer and have about 20 eyes staring back it her. They were just thrown in there head and all mixed in with the frozen corn. One time we caught a huge alligator gar fish and planted that bitch in the freezer and scared the shit out of her. Writing this blog is starting to make me understand why she drinks so many screwdrivers.

Our favorite things to blow up included stuffed animals, potted plants, condiments, bags of flour and pillows. I remember being super stoked when I got a stuffed animal for Easter or Christmas. I could imagine it's little head being blown off and Sunshine chasing it as it rolled through the living room. Clearly we lit most of the explosives inside of the house because it was too hot outside. The best thing BY FAR that we ever blew up was a jar of Vaseline.

When my mom met my stepfather, he had just bought a house that he was gonna tear down and then build a new one. Lot's of stories to tell about that 15 year process. Anyways, my parents bedroom was a loft that overlooked the living room. The ceiling was barn style and was about 18 ft high with a big ass ceiling fan at the top. They had JUST finished painting the you know where I'm going with this??? So one day Tad calls me over because he is gonna put an M80 in a jar of Vaseline and light it in the middle of the living room. I was like "Sign me up! I ain't missing this shit!" Tad was in the middle. I was on one side of him and Sunshine was on the other side. He lit that shit and it was fuckin' Armageddon in that bitch. I looked down at Sunshine and she had a giant blob of Vaseline on her nose and her tail was just a waggin'! Tad was covered head to toe in grease. I soon realized that something was dropping on my head and it was Vaseline that had hit the ceiling fan above and was now raining down on us...and everything else in the living room. It was pure ECSTASY for about 60 seconds until we realized we were dead meat! I believe we got grounded until the following summer. There were little shiny spots still on the ceiling when I left for college years later.

Moral of the story...Do not leave your children unattended for an entire summer...even if they are grounded. If you do, remove all matches. Happy 4th everybody! Go blow some shit up and think of me :)


  1. Too funny! Keep em' coming girl and you'll have a book ready by Halloween.

  2. I'm crying as I'm laughing so hard reading this!!!!!!!! I could see my other half doing that as a kid, hell probably now too!!!!!!!