Tuesday, July 23, 2013

The Adventures of Bijou the Dumpster Diving Cat Whore!

Bijou and her bastard children.

Skinny Bijou before the all you can eat buffet...she still thought she was fat.

Bijou post buffet...she needs to do some cardio ASAP.

I am a HUGE animal lover. I love them more than most people because they have the ability to love more than most people. Their love is unconditional and unending in most cases until their death. They don't judge, gossip or stab you in the back...they might take a shit on the floor...but hey...who doesn't? Parents and partners have a set of expectations that need to be met or the result is disappointment, anger and possibly the end of that relationship. All animals expect from you is food, water and to be touched. I say this all the time, and some of you will think I'm a horrible person...but I'm cool with that... but if there were two kittens and one human hanging off the cliff and I could only save 2 of them because I only have two hands, I'd have to think long in hard about who I'd choose. I would probably grab the kittens with my hands and maybe throw my foot out for the human to grab on to. Judge away :) I'm the kind of person that wrangles bugs in my kitchen and sets them free outside. I refuse to kill anything...with the exception of that copperhead snake that popped through the side of the foxhole I was digging when I was in the Army. I chopped that sucker into a million pieces with my shovel and asked questions later. You put me in a hole with a deadly animal and I will do my best to win that fight. Roaches are also an exception. I will simply place my cat Bijou in front of it and let nature take it's course. She may not get it but she will certainly stand guard and not let it get to me. People have come and gone in my life but my cat Bijou is my constant. She is my boo.

Bijou came into my life unexpectedly. Me and my girlfriend at the time had moved into a low rent shit hole apartment that had a lovely view of the dumpster. Every night, I 'd look out the window and watch at least 10 feral cats hopping in and out of the dumpster looking for food. During the year I was there, I saw several litters of fresh kittens out there. It broke my heart, especially in the winter. My girlfriend and I went to Sam's and bought giant bags of cat food and a dog house with blankets for them. One day I came home from work and this scrawny ugly cat with huge eyes came rolling up to me. You could see every rib on her back and she had a saggy belly that was clearly full of kittens. That hussie went and got herself knocked up out by the dumpster. She probably had no idea who her baby daddy was. She was just purring away and winding around my legs. My first instinct was to bring her in because it was really cold and she needed to eat. I had 3 other cats at the time so I didn't because of how bad she looked. I feared she might have kitty HIV. After all, she may be a junkie too for all I know. You know how scandalous cats can be. So I went inside my apartment and couldn't stop thinking about her. I went to bed that night and cried. Finally I got up and went outside and looked for her, but she was gone. I made up my mind that if she was out there the next day, I would bring her in.

The next day I came home from work...and you bet your sweet ass, the cat was there. She knew a sucker when she saw one. She was curled up sleeping in the back window of my neighbors car. So I reached in and grabbed her and brought her into the kitchen. I put her on my lap and her motor was running. She couldn't be happier, and I couldn't be more relieved to have her....that is until I felt her stomach contract within 2 minutes of her arrival. She was having contractions. I looked down at her and I see a little bubble coming out of her business. I was like holy shit...she's about to have kittens. I picked her up and put her on her back in a box in the back room. My girlfriend was running around behind us panicking...it was kinda hilarious. We were both tattoo artists at the time so she ran and got some gloves. I was sitting at the edge of the box and Bijou had her back feet in my hands and was using them like the stir-ups. I told her to slide down and cough...ok ok, I made that shit up...but the rest is true. She looked up at me with this look of terror in her eyes and let out a big 'ol howl and out shot the first kitten. At this point, my girlfriend started freaking out more. She yelled "You gotta break that kitten out of the sack or it will die! Get it out! Get it out!" So I snatched up that sack full of kitten and started to tear into it. That sack was surprisingly strong. It was really hard to get into. Finally, I got in that shit and pulled a baby kitten out. It was pretty much the sweetest thing I had ever seen. Bijou dropped 3 more kittens that night. So we went from 3 cats to 8 in about an hour. My girlfriend and I flopped down on the couch and looked at each other like ...now what???

We immediately started putting the full court press on everybody we knew and NOBODY wanted a kitten. Desperate times called for desperate measures, so clearly there was only one thing we could do. We would have to have a dodge ball pussy giveaway party. We would buy 4 litter boxes with litter and 4 bags of food. We would then lure our friends over with food and A LOT of booze and promise to peg them in the face with a dodge ball and they couldn't refuse. Once they had a black eye and were nice and liquored up, we'd show them the kittens and those bitches would fly out the door. The plan worked perfectly...every last kitten was gone and went to good homes. The party came to an abrupt end then me girlfriend got a line drive to the head with a ball that knocked her down. She landed on her tailbone in the concrete driveway. Party over. The best part about it was she carried around an inflatable donut everywhere she went including the movies with her sister. She would inflate it and deflate it after every use. One of my favorite memories of that girl. We died laughing every time.

The vet said Bijou was about 1 at the time. I think she is about 10 now. She is more like a dog than a cat. She is not one of those bitchy independent cats. I never take one step without stepping on her. She goes everywhere I go. She sleeps in between my legs and I'm certain I have hip problems because of it. She has a very sensitive stomach and dry heaves every time she sniffs food on my plate. She has actually puked on my food several times. She probably was 3-4 lbs when I got her and has probably ballooned up to 12 or 13 lbs now. It's not her fault, she probably messed up her metabolism when she was knocked up and starving to death. Remember that next time you go on a starvation diet. I love that cat like I birthed her. I think about the fact that one day she will die and my eyes well up with tears. I generally don't get along with people that don't love animals...I'm a wee bit prejudiced when it comes to that, but there have been many exceptions. I hope one day we will all be loved by another human the way my cat loves me...unconditionally.

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