My Descent From the Cross...

Yesterday was a CRAZY day! One person tried to knock me down, but many more held me up to the point where I never even got close to hitting the ground. I can't tell you how much I appreciate your support...It means the world to me. Who knew this little blog could cause such a commotion ??? All I know is normally when I post something about 100-150 people read it within the first 2 days. In the past 2 days, there have been 631 page views! I guess there really is no such thing as bad publicity!

After being accused of putting myself on a cross and told basically, that I'm a shitty human being, I took some time to think about it and assess myself and the reason I continue to write this blog. There was a brief moment yesterday when I thought maybe I should just shut the Hell up! Who am I to give anybody advice on how to live? I'm just some middle aged freak with a big old pile of mistakes under my belt.

It started off with some funny stories and has evolved into something so much more. For me it has become therapeutic and I feel as if I'm almost writing a self help book for myself and others. In the very beginning of this blog, I stated that everybody has had bad shit in their life and I'm not writing this for pity or to make people feel sorry for me, it's just my story. I tell my story and try to find the humor and the lesson in it to let others know that they are not alone and that there are people out there that understand and can relate and maybe there is something we can learn from it. That maybe something good can come from something bad.

The truth is there is nobody out there can be more critical of me than myself. (I'm pretty sure that is grammatically incorrect...but fuck it...you get the point!) I have stated several times that I am not perfect...not even close! I have made a ton of mistakes and bad decisions and I'm sure I ain't done yet! I have never looked in the mirror and liked what I have seen... my eyes and mind go directly to my flaws. I ALWAYS feel like I could have done better in almost every situation when it comes to my job, my relationships, cooking dinner, cleaning the bathtub...you name it. I constantly beat myself up. And I don't think that I'm alone.

There is a super fine line between confidence and vanity...that line is almost non-existent. Generally speaking, I'm drawn to people with low self esteem. I love to build people up and put them on a pedestal. If they put themselves up there, I almost feel like it is my duty to knock them off. That is absolutely one of my many flaws and one of the things I'm working on. But there is definitely something to be said for people that are great and have no idea...probably the thing I'm most attracted to in a person. Being humble is down right sexy!

There are many people out there that are really good at giving advice to others, but don't or can't always follow it when it comes to themselves. I would be one of those people. All day at work I preach about exercise and nutrition, all the do's and don'ts etc. I know exactly how to tell people how to get the body of their dreams and then on my way home from the gym, I'll swing by McDonald's for a chocolate dipped cone. After that I will probably beat myself up for my failure and then eat an entire box of Girl Scout cookies to help with the pain...it's a vicious cycle. I go to bed vowing that tomorrow will be different...tomorrow I will be perfect!  And then I think...well, it's only 10:00 pm...there are still 2 more hours left for diet failure....better go eat ALL that ice cream so I won't be tempted tomorrow...because tomorrow and every day after that, I'll be perfect, so it's ok to fail for just two more hours. Who's with me?

Working people out is probably the smallest part of my job. I feel like I'm giving and receiving therapy all day long. As many of you know, the root of many of our eating issues is something emotional. That's part of my problem for sure but my main issue is I FUCKING LOVE FOOD!

My clients help me with emotional baggage just as much as I help them. There are days when I feel like I should be paying them instead of the other way around. We talk about everything including our personal relationships, family, animals and jobs. Many of my clients are my friends outside of the gym and some I only see inside of the gym. I'm like their hairdresser...I get all the dirt because I don't know anybody they know and they feel safe telling me because our lives don't intersect in any other way. Those are the people that have encouraged me to write this blog and possibly a book one day.

I think generally speaking, I give good sound advice. I write this blog to remind myself how to be the person I want to be...not necessarily the person I am right now...but it's the goal.

Probably my biggest flaw is that I'm a dirty dirty grudge holder. Forgive and forget is my biggest struggle. I have said "You know what your problem is? You just don't know how to hold a good grudge!" more times than I can count. I'm usually talking to a people pleaser that allows the same people to hurt them over and over. It's generally a person who would rather take somebody back that has hurt them, then know that there is somebody out there that doesn't like them. They are the complete opposite of me. I'm sure there is an ideal middle ground in there somewhere. That is the place that I'm striving to find. I suck at the gray area. I'm one black or white bitch!

 A few months ago, I wrote a bunch of letters to people I had had some sort of falling out with. I wasn't trying to get our relationship back or anything like that. I just didn't want to hold onto that anger or pain anymore. What's done is done and there is no taking it back. Most of them aren't bad people, we just see things differently and are not compatible. I want to learn how to get over things and not let them affect me so much for so long. That is giving other people way to much power over me and my happiness.

So there ya go...I jumped off my cross just for you! I have no doubt that I will be revealing many more flaws and mistakes in the future...you can count on that! My goal moving forward is to practice what I preach and try to get a tiny bit closer to the person I want to be one day at a time. I hope I can help one of you get there too. We may fail today, but there is another chance to get it right tomorrow.