Monday, September 2, 2013

Love, Loyalty, Lies and Betrayal

my tattoo


I should have leaned into that turn.

The two things that are most important to me are love and loyalty. I have those words tattooed on each side of my neck.The two things I detest most in the world are lies and betrayal. The worst possible scenario is when the two sides collide.

Who doesn't There is no better feeling than when you are in it. Especially that beginning lustful love. When you can think of nothing else but that person. I'm not really a tits and ass kinda girl, but when I'm in love I think about the dip in her collarbone and the lines of her neck and the way her hands move and the way she tilts her head when she talks to me. She is my number one priority. She comes first and then everything else falls behind. When that same feeling is returned...pure bliss. Now this lustful love can't last forever...eventually you have to get some shit done. But it sure is a good time when those butterflies are in flight. Eventually the honeymoon ends and you go back to working towards the future...but now you are a team hopefully moving towards the same goal. If you never have those's probably only gonna taper off from there.

Loyalty is equally important to me. I love a ride or die bitch. My friends and girlfriends don't have to love or hate somebody just because I do. When somebody who does comes along...HOLD ON TO THEM! To know somebody has your back no matter what...THAT kind of loyalty is hard to find these days. A person that will throw a drink in somebody's face just because they hurt you and then turn around and hug that same person because NOW you tell them you are in love with them...THAT is the holy grail of friendship. I'm very lucky to have a handful of people like that in my life and I cherish them. They don't always agree with my decisions and they let me know that, but they still support me no matter what.

I have also thought some people in my past had my back and then they stuck a knife in it. Betrayal is a bitch. Nothing is worse than being vulnerable and letting your walls down only to be attacked. I'm sad to say that every time this happens, my walls get a little higher and a little more difficult for people to knock down and I hate that.

Lies...where do I begin. No matter how large or small...always a bad idea. I'm a horrible liar when it comes to things about myself. I wear my heart on my sleeve. My face tells the story long before my lips do. There have been sad attempts at trying to fake it when I'm upset or lie because I didn't want to get others involved with whatever drama is going on at the time. I always fail miserably. That's usually when I just retreat to my cave to wallow alone. But you know...those true friends always seem to sniff it out and show up on my doorstep at just the right moment.

When it comes to everything else, I try to make good decisions that don't put me in a position to lie. Speaking of which...let's not forget about omissions. Technically not a lie, but equally shitty. I shouldn't have to ask the person I'm with every day...Are you cheating on me? I'd prefer them to just tell me so I can move on with my life. Some truths are hard to hear, but lies and betrayals are always eventually revealed...and that hurts so much more than the truth.

If you tell me a secret and tell me not to tell...being the ride or die bitch that I am...I'll lie my ass off for you because loyalty trumps lying when it comes to friendship and the people I love.

If you ask me a direct question, better be ready for the truth because that is what you are gonna get. If you ask me..."Do these pants make me look fat?"...If they do, I'm not gonna say "Hell ya they do!" I would probably say "That's not my favorite look on you. I liked the other ones better." After all, it's not necessarily what you say, it's how you say it. It's all about the delivery. Lying to somebody to make them feel better in the moment doesn't do anybody any good. A true friend will tell me to take that shit off...immediately! They will say "Dude you got all sorts of shit in your teeth!" Or my favorite..."Your nipples are crooked!" Nothing worse than having one at 9:00 and one at feel me ladies??? Now I will say, one of my favorite things to do... because I'm an asshole... is to tell somebody they have shit in their them root around and try to dig it out and then reassure them that it's gone when it really isn't. I then secretly laugh every time they speak to the waiter or me because let's face it...that shit is FUNNY! You have been warned :)

I have told one great lie in my life and I got away with that shit too. One of the many summers that my brother and I were home alone and grounded, our neighbors for some unknown reason, let us ride their moped around the block. I was probably around 9 and Tad was 11. Definitely too young to be driving...but my brother's power of persuasion has always been strong.

So Tad takes it around the block without incident. I on the other hand was not so lucky. I was cruisin' along...actually...I was practically shitting my pants with fear, but there wasn't a chance in HELL that I was gonna let my brother see me sweat. As I approached a turn, I started to freak out because the moped leaned at corners. So instead of getting my lean on, I chose to brake. Unfortunately I hit the gas instead of the brake and shot straight across the street and jumped a giant pile of chopped up asphalt. Clearly I crashed. I was laying on the ground and I heard... drip...drip...drip. And then I noticed a stream of blood running down the face mask of my helmet. I'm sure I was in shock because I was feeling no pain and my adrenaline was pumping hard. I quickly forgot about the blood squirting out of my head when I noticed that the little round side mirror was broken. It was only then that I started crying. I just knew the neighbor's were gonna tell my mom. I guess I didn't think she would notice my cracked forehead :)

So I stand up and start to try to push the moped back over the mound. Every time I pushed, my right wrist just flopped back and my hand would just fall off the handle bars. You guessed it...snapped that bitch too. Broken.

So my brother eventually finds me and helps me push the moped home. He convinces the neighbor's not to tell our parents, which at the time I thought was nothing short of a miracle. Now looking back, I'm sure they were trying to avoid a lawsuit.

So my brother and I conjured up the great "dancing on the deck" lie of let's say 1984. We had a big deck that was probably about 10 feet high and faced the lake that was attached to the back of the house. Surrounding the deck were giant rocks. For most of the summer, it seemed like we had people over every weekend and the adults would drink and get their grill on while all the kids swam in the lake. So we decided to tell my parents that I was dancing on the deck and fell off and hit the rocks. The crazy shit was they believed us. This is hilarious to me considering I had road rash up the entire right side of my body. Clearly I was traveling at a brisk speed when I hit the ground. That must have been one hell of a moonwalk!

From that point until the day I left for the Army and college I would hear my mom warning people..."Be careful...Nicole fell off the deck and cracked her skull and broke her wrist dancing." I would just smile and nod and be like "Yep...stupid me :)"

I was home from college at Christmas one year, and she started to tell the story. I finally decided it was safe to come clean. She couldn't ground me anymore and at this point, I'd thought she'd laugh. And she did.

I don't have time for lies or liars...especially from the people who claim to love me. Once the trust is broken, it's gone forever. Telling the truth at times can be difficult but in the end, it is better for everyone involved. They say the truth will set you free and they are right. Be true.


  1. Loyalty huh? Wow! I wish irony hurt.

    1. Strong words from an anonymous source. Stay tuned for my next blog Anonymous...the subject will be "COURAGE".

  2. The most fundamental harm you can do to yourself, is to remain ignorant by not having the COURAGE and the respect to look at yourself honestly.

    1. Hmmm...a quote from "When Things Fall Apart: Heart Advice for Difficult Times." by Pema Chodron. Pretty sure I have seen you quote this person before. I have no doubt who this is. You tried hard to cover your tracks today by approaching me but your manipulations are transparent as always and you are still a horrible liar. Maybe next time you should use your own words instead of stealing them from somebody else. You lied to me and betrayed me more times than I can count. I was loyal to you until you broke my heart. Sleep tight.

  3. Ouch...that cuts me deep Anonymous. Clearly you are somebody who has either lied to me or betrayed me and lost the right of my loyalty. I have many flaws and I have stated that several times in this blog. LOYALTY is not one of them. My loyalty is not unconditional...if you draw first blood, then all bets are off. You are no longer worthy of my loyalty. Only a coward lurks in the shadows...clearly that is what you are. At least I have the balls to put my name behind my words. So by all means...step up to the plate Anonymous! Tell me how I've wronged you unprovoked and I will be the first to apologize. I could have just deleted your post and nobody would have ever seen it. But I unlike not a coward.

  4. It's not a cowardly thing. It's a realization thing. How many people have you been disloyal to in your past? A lot, huh? Try to narrow it down. Maybe you're not so pious when you think about it. Have a nice life up on your cross.

  5. My cross is super comfy thanks. I sleep just fine thank you. I bet you don't. I'm ready for you to step forward big talker and post your name. Until then...stay under your rock and cast stones from the sidelines. Your character is clear. I won't be responding to you anymore until you produce something to back up your bullshit. Good day :)

  6. Well said, Nikki. It's amazing how people who vow that they love you can lie to you and think its ok. That's not love. The person who does that lies from the start; he or she does not in fact "love" you. A person like that is capable of only loving oneself. . . what a lonely existence.

    As for Anonymous, it cracks me up that this person dislikes you so much but still follows your blog. Hmmm, sounds a little obsessive, ya think?

  7. Nikki, you open your heart and your voice to share this blog with the world. Your strength, courage and grace far outweigh the opinion of one person.

    "Your time is limited, so don't waste it living someone else's life. Don't be trapped by dogma - which is living with the results of other people's thinking. Don't let the noise of others' opinions drown out your own inner voice. And most important, have the courage to follow your heart and intuition."
    Steve Jobs

  8. Thanks ladies you would be the "ride or die bitches" I was referring to. You rule!